Experiences of first sex

I think it’s useful for people to reflect on how having sex the first time with another person will probably not be the perfect performance one hopes. Indeed, I’ve found sex to be surprisingly different with different men so I approach a first time with low expectations and an open mind.

In contrast however, some of my male friends seem pretty wound up about making the experience perfect and feel very inadequate if they can’t maintain an erection. In my opinion, a lady that is looking for a long term relationship and who is not understanding and does not do her best to help the man relax and enjoy himself is really screening herself out of being long term relationship material.

Another issue for me is that men (ha – sounds so ‘experienced’ but in reality I have had few partners) can get over excited (so much so they are shaking) and start rushing ahead and taking ‘liberties’ when I would hope they would take things a little slower. I understand they are probably feeling quite a lot of pent up ‘demand’ and am patient while trying to control the process to ensure my boundaries are not crossed.    

A fellow blogger provides some very good insights into how a man might experience sex for the first time with a particular woman, especially if he has not had sex with another person for a long time:

• Anxiety about performance affecting his erection and also difficulty orgasming. 
• Using Viagra and still having issues with his erection due to attraction or anxiety issues
• The difference between masturbation and real sex negatively impacting performance
•  The challenges of using a condom when an erection is hard to maintain  
• Lack of practice negatively impacting arousal and erection
• Bad surprises when clothes come off including less than perfect body and unclean smells.   

 The writer claims women instinctively prefer men with sexual experience, as things are more likely to work well. This might be so, but I would maintain that a really nice man that is inexperienced may well be a really good prospect for a long term relationship and it would be worth taking the time to develop his sexual confidence.   

How should I approach first time sex with an inexperienced man or someone who has not had sex for sometime? Well I guess I’d take things slowly – start with holding hands, graduate to kissing etc over several dates. I’d also discuss sexual history, expectations and what we should do together so we were on the same page. Of course I’d make sure he knew how very attractive I found him and do things to spoil him. I think it does not have to be said, but being freshly showered and well presented is essential.

What do you guys think? Is there anything else that a woman should take into account when considering how she can get her new boyfriend to relax and enjoy sex, however it plays out?  

Two very relaxed insects I saved from a quick end at the hands of Awesome!

Revealing sexual skeletons in the closet

When you are older and lived a full life, you’ve done many things and made many mistakes. Therefore, the question about what to reveal to a potential partner becomes more challenging. 

If you reveal too much, you just annoy or bore the other person.  You may even give a false impression of who you are now. If you leave out something critical that pushes one of their buttons, they may freak out and leave you. Of course, you don’t want to lie or leave out something important they need to assess the viability of the relationship.  It’s better to not start something than to have it end in tears later.

A commenter to this post blames his candour re his sexual history (as a child./teenager!!!!) for his marriage break up.  This illustrates the risks of disclosure, especially when dealing with volatile and sensitive people.   

Note: It you react badly when people tell you things, they will stop telling you things.  

I've learned to be more circumspect about sharing and also to be very broadminded and non-judgemental towards other people. However, these learnings come with age and some people can't get there, so I don't expect everyone to be like me.

Note: You have to be responsible about what you share – some people just can’t cope with some stuff.

I've learned that people change throughout their lives and it’s important to let them change and recognise them for what they are now, not what they were back then. Men particularly seem to have wild times and then settle down. Children and teenagers also do really crazy things - holding their adult self responsible is really not appropriate. They often do things not knowing what they are doing, especially if adults have not educated them about stuff.

If you are a Christian - then it's also really important to think what Christ would do - and that is He would forgive and forget he heard it. I’m not saying that you should put yourself in danger, just that if your partner did something silly and there is no threat to you, that you should just leave it in the past.

The wife in the post to which I refer above should have told her husband of her past so her husband could treat her gently in those respects, e.g. I was raped by a relative and therefore mention of anything that reminds me is a trigger for a meltdown. I've told His Awesomeness, when it was required, of those things I'd rather forget and which push my buttons and he has had the grace to be thoughtful and supportive.  

Note: By talking with people, you can gain an understanding of what is important to them and what would upset them. You can use this to guide your disclosures.

I believe that some things remain between an individual and God, particularly childhood silliness that does not reflect the person as they are now and which will have no impact on a potential partner/current partner and their children. For example, if you tried to have sex with the family pooch when 13 years old, but are now totally revolted by the thought and everyday live up to the norms your prospective partner values, why bring up childhood silliness?  I'd just say, “well I did some silly things as a kid - you can be sure I will supervise and educate my own kids so that won't happen in our family.”       

Note: we all did silly things as kids!

To conclude, I only expect to be told and I only tell what is pertinent for the person I am telling. I expect questions to be answered and to answer questions truthfully. For example, if contemplating a sexual relationship I give a brief sexual and relationship history without compromising the privacy of other people. I also provide a brief list of my general preferences and general requirements. If contemplating children, I'd provide a summary of genetic factors. I forgive and overlook the mistakes of others. I DO NOT overlook misuse of information I have divulged and the use of it to persecute or otherwise harm myself or others.

You only need to bring the important things into focus ...