Advice for those in unhappy marriages...coming soon!

BJ commented on a previous post -  

Society, at least the highly Puritan/religious fundamentalist influenced one in the United States will go with the assumption that if you continue to be married you're happy. They'll decry the divorce statistics of how approximately 50% of all marriages end in divorce. But they omit the fact that the 50% who remain marriage a good portion of those people will never have a happy coupling with their spouse. And through finances, generational or religious guilt will not even consider divorce.

The only answer you will get is to get counseling. But many if not most will not have a sexless couple back smoking up the sheets or bear to be around their spouse. No one really speaks to couples like this if you can truly call them couples anymore. You're like the crazy Aunt locked up in the basement or the homeless person on the street you ignore. Or the soft-spoken introvert at a party. They're invisible.

Well exactly BJ! Here too in Australia. Clarissa is an expert on this being terminally married to a very poor match. I was contracted far too long to a very poor match!  

ANYWAY …Clarissa and I have been mulling over advice that could be provided to people living in these permanent incompatible relationships, so be ready to see some posts if we can get past the menopause/post menopause haze to write and edit them!

This hardy iris shows how to shine in the rain ...

Does age matter?

As people in mid life seek a new partner, a salient selection criterion is age.  It’s also easily tested, so people will often screen on age upfront. Of course, age difference is only one matter to take into consideration and people differ, so decisions need to be made on an individual (or couple) basis.

When I was younger, the only consideration was that one partner would die early.  Usually the gentleman would be older than the lady and she feared being left alone in her old age. However, there are other considerations of which people may not be aware.

One matter that has high impact on many ladies I know is retirement age. Their husband retires (or usually is forced to retire) at 65 leaving them still of working age. They may have to work for up to 20 years at relatively low-paid jobs to support their families. If they work their husband will not receive welfare payments, if they do not work they will not have enough money to survive. Of course they will not have enough money left over to save for retirement, so they will retire to live in poverty and care for an elderly husband.

Considering the above, I would advise all couples to consider a retirement plan and save so that one does not have to work to support the other and they can enjoy a quality retirement together.

Sex and libido is of course a key consideration in marriage. Most gentlemen I met online declared their equipment worked and that they had a healthy libido. It seemed like etiquette to exchange this key information. Accordingly, I asked around to gain some wisdom on sexuality, age and choosing a partner. 

It appears men are generally at their peak in their 40s and 50s. They are still sexually active, can have sex for longer, are self aware and have generally learned some good stuff. Therefore, men in this age group can make great partners, even for a younger woman. Women seem to peak in their 40s.  Therefore, a 10 year age difference could work well. A 50 year old man could keep up with the sexual needs of a 40 year old woman and they both may slow down a little together when they reach 60 and 50 respectively. 

A 25 year age difference may work for a while, but such marriages could derail when the man is about 75/80 years old and would prefer a companion while the lady may still desire rampant and exciting sex. Of course, our previous prime minister Bob Hawke seems to be an exception at around 80 and his second wife seems very happy!  This indicates genetic inheritance, general health and attitude are key influences on sexual performance in older age. Hence, I suggest partners with a large age difference consider maintaining their health and sexual function as much as they can.