My journey 5: Where to from here?

I've made a lot of progress in my life - I've got the a career and established a wide network in a new sphere of business. I've moved on from a lot of things, but it's still not enough! 

What I really want is meaning and purpose.  I’ve got my pragmatic financial goals and goals related to a more comfortable life and I orient towards those, but there has to be more!    

I’d love to regain my creativity and paint, write amazing prose and learn music. Learning another language would also be great …. but I suspect this still won’t provide meaning and purpose.  

I need to declutter my life sufficiently and have enough rest such that my mind is capable of greater creativity. It will come naturally given the chance, but cannot be forced, e.g. I can just write this after a day doing very little and a long afternoon sleep. I wrote a rather simple post for my blog, but I still cannot write poetry.

So where to from here? ….self development definitely, exploiting some profitable opportunity if it comes my way, working quietly on promotion, deleting things from my life I do not need or want….  

Where to from here? Perhaps a deviation from the narrow road? 

Men: How to be perceived as strong and excitingly dominant!

It’s easy for men to be excitingly physically dominant if they are young and strongly built – and younger women can probably take rougher treatment! However, for older couples, couples of similar size or people that prefer gentleness, there are subtle tactics to get that thrill of dominating male strength without any of the downsides.

Yesterday His Awesomeness put his arm around me as we walked from the restaurant, guided me to the car door, opened it and guided me inside.  I totally melted! I can open doors myself, but I felt oh so cared for and protected!  The hand on the back thing totally blows me away every time!

Another of his tricks is to gently crowd me towards the bed and lay me down – he gets to play the dominant one and I get to “feel” his superior strength without anyone getting hurt! 

Similarly, the “capture Candice” game involves capturing me by corralling me between his body and barriers such as walls.  Of course, his confident self assurance and cheeky smirk add to the atmosphere!

Holding or hugging firmly at key times during sex also adds to perceived strength and therefore creates excitement for the lady!   

Another trick to achieve the enveloping hug which is so comforting and wonderful for a lady is to wear a sports jacket.  This makes his shoulders look bigger and when the lady puts her arms around her lover’s waist under the coat, she feels his enveloping body warmth.  <sigh> 

However, I'd warn against rough sex without prior agreement including roughly thrusting fingers into her vagina! <ouch!>

Update: When I told him of this post, he immediately got a glint in his eye and implemented "dominant" sex positions!  He's a very fast learner! 

Everything is brighter and better in Brisbane!

 

Libido after menopause - will you get the sex/intimacy you want?

A fairly common concern among my male friends who are thinking of remarrying is that of possible frequency of quality sexual interaction with a prospective girlfriend or wife.  They have often come from marriages that were sexual wastelands and are cognisant that post menopausal women may have a reduced libido or other physical or mental barriers to sexual interaction.

I believe the situation varies across women, so I cannot provide and an overview based on my own experience, I can just say how I feel.  I'm well past menopause and I will never have another normal cycle.  However, I do seem to have some sort of very flat cyclical change in desire for sex. Sometimes I am more interested, but I miss the hormonal highs in desire that occur with ovulation. I also miss the heightened sexual response that comes with ovulation. 

Physical changes associated with menopause may also make one want to engage in sex less - just one painful experience of intercourse can be pretty off putting and make one apprehensive about trying again. Couple that with attenuated desire and inhibitions and its easy to cry off sex and have a cup of tea instead!

Painful intercourse can arise from lack of lubrication, thinned vaginal walls or an infection/inflammation arising from changes in the vaginal microflora. More frequent sex does help maintain the function of the vagina and you might need to use lubricant. I use natural yogurt during sex as it is a mild  lubricant and also helps maintain my microflora.

So will you end up having the great sex you missed and which you hope you will have? Perhaps, but you do need to take into account the above, recruit a lady that is sex/intimacy positive and who has a matching libido and consciously develop your intimate relationship.  You might also need medical intervention to overcome physical issues.

As a man you will need to be considerate of your partner and avoid causintg her pain during intercourse. You'll also need to work on providing "added value" so that there is more than just her decreased libido driving her motivation to take part in intimacy.  

That all said, from my point of view its very possible for a man to be delighted by the frequency and quality of intimacy and sex with a 50+ lady - you just need to take more care to ensure everyone gets what they need and want.

A profusion of opportunity

  

My Journey 4: Attraction rating

Athol Kay argues that people seek partners that they perceive to be as attractive as or more attractive than themselves and that stable marriages result from people have similar attraction ratings.  It is also possible to increase's one's attractiveness and when one partner does, the other may seek to keep up or fall behind and separation may occur.

I have been reflecting on this framework as a way of structuring my understanding of a key part of my journey. 8 years ago I was overweight and did not own any nice outfits. I had significant health issues. Perhaps the only things I rated highly on were my ability to earn money, intelligence, education and pleasant personality.

I accepted my marriage was over and I started to change my life. I focused on making me better. I started to get a corporate wardrobe together, I lost weight, I became fitter and overcame my health problems. I reached out to old and new friends and started to focus on self development. I gave permission to some very trusted friends to challenge my attitudes, knowledge and behaviours.I went through both a physical and mental transformation and found a new job.

So here I am now - I have dated some very wonderul men and have a fantastic man in my life.  I think my attractiveness rating has sky rocketed

Candice 2011 - not older, better!

Why an affair might be justified ...

I’ve met quite a few people online looking for affairs.  Not everyone is looking for a dopamine high. Many are very reasoned and strategic in their approach. A caring and intimate relationship is essential to happiness, so I am not surprised so many people are looking.

I don’t judge what people are doing – it’s their business, not mine, but I am interested in relationships and sex, so I take an interest. I thank everyone that has frankly explained their life to me or answered my questions.

·        Married but bored or neglected:  I find many men online looking for exciting affairs. They are married but their wife limits intimacy even though they still have sex. They feel unloved and even lose some confidence in themselves. I usually suggest they talk to their partner and now suggest they read  Married Man Sex Life.

·        Great spouse, but no sex: Many really nice people make good friends and life time partners, they just don’t want sex or intimacy! Perhaps they are asexual, perhaps their libido has died, perhaps they are just not attracted to the spouse and married for children and to create a comfortable home! I think it is wrong to force someone to do something they don’t want to – be it to have sex or live without sex. However, divorce might be off the table due to religious or child-care imperatives. Difficult situation since someone is bound to be unhappy. Also, see “cultural option”.

·        Spouse says look elsewhere: Surprisingly there are quite a few cases where a spouse tells the other partner to find a lover as they are unwilling to provide affection and intimacy. The good thing here is that the dialogue is open and frank. Depending on the situation, it may be appropriate to rigorously pursue the reasons for the spouse to say this and address any issues. I’ve known at least one couple who have worked through their issues and now have a much stronger marriage and better intimacy. Issues included stress and fatigue from demanding work and addressing the reluctant spouse’s needs.      

 ·        Spouse is an invalid: This happens often and is very sad – a loyal and devoted spouse remains with their loved one, but the illness means the relationship turns into carer and dependent. The caring spouse looks to find someone for support and intimacy. I can only guess that the invalid spouse is totally unable to think of intimacy due to the illness, because there are things one can do to show one’s love, even if one is immobile.   

·        Strategic retreat: Many people decide when they will leave their marriage ahead of time - perhaps when children have finished school.  They then rationalise it will be a great idea to recruit the new spouse and get to know them beforehand so a seamless transfer is possible. OK – I can see the efficiencies so gained here! Also, one needs to date a little before settling down for personal development, so this could fulfil that need. However, execution may be difficult in that potential new spouses will be wary of married but looking people. Certainly many men/women do not date married ladies/gentlemen on principle. Also, one changes a great deal due to the experience of separation, divorce and subsequent dating, so the person found at the start may not suit at the end.

·        Waiting for the right time to jump: Sometimes the marriage is over, the person looking for an affair has emotionally detached from the spouse and separation is merely a formality that will happen in good time. See “strategic retreat” for implications.  

·        Cultural option: In some subcultures and even cultures successful men routinely recruit second wives. The first wife keeps her status, income etc and does not have to provide sex, while the husband’s needs are met and the asset base is protected for the good of all including the children who will inherit.

What are the implications of the above?

I believe it’s wrong to judge people or become over excited over the issue of affairs. I leave judgement to God who is an expert in such matters and can see the hearts of humans. Affairs may destroy a marriage, but equally they may help someone prolong the appearance and benefits of marriage for vulnerable parties such as children or invalid spouses. Actually, I used to pray for a miracle, namely that my ex would have an affair and the lady would take him off my hands without all the crying and gnashing of teeth that usually accompany divorce.... 

There's always a different perspective ... New Farm Park 2008

Multiple selves....

Holly Pervocracy wrote this article on people who share a body (AKA multiple personalities).  Some people who identify as existing in the one body graciously agreed to answer questions.  Some commenters noted they also feel that there are parts of their mind that are working without their conscious notice. 

mmm…well I think its widely known that the subconscious can work on problems while one is asleep and then one becomes aware of the solution mysteriously or that intuition can often point to the right answer, even without conscious, logical thought.  So I agree that the biological computer that is the brain can be processing stuff without us consciously noticing it. Thus, I think perhaps being “multiple” is a more extreme case of what seems to be the experience of most people.

Being me is not the same as being several people living inside one person, but it is enough to allow some understanding.

It’s an aspect of my creativity and one of my problem solving skills to imagine that I am playing the role of a different person or character is a story that I compose in my own mind. I use these stories to “model” what might happen in certain circumstances and purposely avoid controlling the direction of the story. Many of the memories so created are very, very real to me and I treasure them, fondly recalling some of the best times in my life.

Since I have a very conservative life to lead offline, I do have another name besides Candice and I do have another expressed personality. A very few people know about this duality and at least two have had a lot of trouble with me having different names and purposely try to use the name they perceive as the right one. They believe I may suffer from some emotional issue. They believe having a name printed on a business card or passport makes it real and not open for negotiation.

In the bricks and mortar world I wear a business suit and I don’t have sex.  I’m past romantic matters and I just try to stay out of trouble and not be noticed.  In Candice world I travel and think and imagine!  In the private world I share with the special man in my life, I enjoy romance, sensuality and just being!

I know many people have multiple lives that run parallel. Sometimes we grow out of one life but there are barriers to evolution and change. Sometimes the people in one life are simply not able to allow us to change and try out new ways of being. Sometimes we are waiting for the right time to transition.

Many ships, with different stories, within the same harbour. Sometimes you see the ship, sometimes you don't.

Myth busters: there is only one way to have sex! (not)

I really do wish I wrote this post by Holly Pervocracy! Sometimes when I read her work I think – there is indeed hope for humanity! 

2005: I have sex with a guy, and it's miserably futile; try as I might, I just can't get him off. I keep going, sinking into desperation as my vagina gets sore so I use my mouth, and I start gagging so I use my hand, and my hand makes him sore so eventually he just tells me to give it a goddamn rest already. I sit around awkwardly, feeling like a useless failure, as he jerks himself off. He doesn't particularly enjoy it but just does it for relief. I wonder if I'll ever have the sexual skills to get a guy off properly, inside me and under my power.

2011: I have sex with a guy, and he doesn't come during the penis-in-vagina part of the sex. We separate when we get to a good ending point and I hold him and make out with him while he jerks himself off. I whisper in his ear how hot it is to feel his muscles tense as he pleasures himself. And I'm not kidding; I start masturbating along with him and then slip the fingers of his free hand into my pussy. The feeling of my muscles clenching around his fingers sends him over the edge and he comes explosively. We fall asleep entwined, satisfied.

Having mechanically perfect sex with your bodies in perfect unison is overrated. Knowing how to have good sex anyway, how to create an experience that's sexy and sweet even when someone has a limp dick or dry pussy or trick hip, is tragically underrated.

 As one gets older, one faces some pretty heavy challenges in maintaining one's sexual relationship. Goodwill and an ability to innovate become very useful and can never be underrated. For example, faced with a penis that would never become erect again, a husband in his 60s read up and went out and bought their first sex toy.    

Flowers know that there are many differnt ways to have sex - in this case the Bixa tree leverages the assitance of a third party!

Great sex even with a lowered libido!

I think one of the main issues for any couple is how to grow closer and happier even when facing the challenges of illness, aging and unequal decline in libido. It's good to feel driven to learn about relevant matters and experiment – too many people just accept the status quo or simply decide it’s all too hard and their partner can just do without sex and affection!

I faced decrease in libido after menopause and my partner is getting older too, but by innovating and recognising all the other aspects and benefits of sex, we manage a joy and frequency that most younger couples might not experience. 

I reflect that we have included so many rewards other than those associated with satiation of rampant libido, that we’ve enhanced the experience past normal hop on, pump, hop off sex.

Sex is about caring – about being happy because you make the other person happy. I know some men that implement romantic gestures that they personally don’t find inspiring, just to see the joy on their wife’s face!  I am happy if I can make him happy – even if sex does not mean an orgasm for me.

For us sex is a lot about affection – we are both very affectionate, me more so. He mistakes my affection for seduction and my responsive desire is triggered by his response.

Sensuality has become more important to me as time has passed.  Some couples include massage (who can resist massage?). Maximising skin contact has become a goal and I dream of him caressing my back as we cuddle.  

Sex is also about relaxation and finding a safe and warm place. The contented post-sex nap makes it all worth while!

Finally (perhaps not, what else can I discover?) our physical relationship provides me with the chance to innovate.  I do so love trying out new stuff and developing as a person. He is my partner in crime, inspiration and mentor.   

Many new buds still to open and new flowers in which to delight!