The importance of dressing well for men!

I commented on Omega’s site and quickly received a comment on my comment, so thought I might rework it a bit and publish it here, so here goes ….  

Presentation is SO important for MEN and women! For example, when women are checking out men re – relationships, they pick up on social clues, some of which come from grooming and presentation.

I keep trying to work out why Billy is girlfriendless – he’s well off, smart, caring and very creative. He’s a wonderful writer and heaps better than me. He’s also extremely cute and my hero!  I expect his clothes just don’t give the right messages.  

I’d advise any man to dress stylishly and suitably for his build and activities with consideration for the social cues so provided.  However, when it comes to men’s clothes, I know little ….

NEVERTHELESS … the aim of this blog is to provide insights and advice based on my experience! So I will try …  

I’ve improved my wardrobe and presentation from a low base and I will try and draw some lessons for men.

Firstly, I must say it’s a journey – due to the need to build skill and resources, it takes time to gain your goals and those goals tend to shift. In fact, you may become aware of grooming matters you never thought existed or mattered.

Secondly, you need to be always scanning for ideas and opportunities to buy good stuff cheap, e.g. if you know what you need and can appear on the first day, sales and closing down sales provide massive opportunities for buying classy stuff cheap. Recently a classy menswear chain liquidated – even dinner suits were going cheap! I am so peeved Billy would not take a look and also that he’s resisted the preparation step of going around checking what’s available, at what price and what suits him.

Thirdly, vintage and secondhand can represent a chance to do something good for the environment, charity and yourself. I am always scanning outlets and even e-bay. Check out items carefully for faults and evidence of local vermin. I always wash my stuff carefully before bringing it into my wardrobe.

Fourthly, tailored looks great especially if you are a large man or non standard shape. If I was able to afford it I’d go overseas with Billy and get us both some tailored suits, work gear, shirts etc. Once you are there, in the right country tailoring is a cheap and sensible alternative to buying off the rack.

I’d like to note how important it is to try things on – buying online can be a bit of a trap without being able to see how things look on. Also, you may miss opportunities because some things can look plain on the hanger and nice on you. It’s fine just to set aside some time and go try stuff on. Often you may end up buying something and indeed, it may be a good tactic to aim at buying say a shirt, but try on a range of stuff for the experience. That way the shop gets something from all the effort to serve you.

And —oh— one of my friends dresses a lot from those adventure and outdoor stores. Oh goodness he looks good. He’s tall and athletic and the clothing just tends to set that off! On the strength of that I bought a pair of microfibre trousers and a shirt – I must say I looked like a girl park ranger rather than a film star (as he did), but they are handy for bike riding and hiking …

ANYWAY…good luck with the grooming and presentation! I believe with a little effort and luck we can look better rather than worse as we age!   

Talking of presentation ... this pink dahlia is so fabulous!! Do you see the Australian native bee?

Menopause: from pretty to frumpy to elegant and classy

As hormones change, sun and gravity have their effect on our bodies, our appearance tends to change – some say deteriorate. Peri-menopause and the period around when my hormones finally stopped were for me times of rapid change and a lot of angst and upset. However, after a period of grieving I've tried to move on the best I can - with the support of the man in my life .

Neville said of his ex-partner whom he saw the other day after a long time – “She has not aged well…frumpy…puffy.” The lady is wealthy and available, but never seems to keep a boyfriend. It’s not just her looks that sabotage her relationships and anyway, there is a lot more she could do to attract and keep a nice man.

Another older man told me with tragic sadness of the lost great love of his life “I watched her change (from a very pretty, young woman)”.  He’d still be with her today if that was possible. He keeps telling me of her quick intellect, their compatibility, the way the chemistry between them never died and of course how stylist and elegant she was and how hard she worked to maintain her appearance. From what he says, she worked very hard to be a better person in all aspects of her life.

So here is the clue to maintain one’s attractiveness – working to be the best possible person one can be and aiming for classy and elegant. This cannot happen overnight and is more a journey than a destination.

Identifying areas of personal improvement, learning to be more professional, correcting toxic relationships and building accomplishment take a long time. One needs time to learn about make up and clothing, to change one’s style, to lose weight and become more fit and to purchase the make up, shoes, accessories and clothing required.   

My tactic has been too pick off key areas one at a time – make that change routine – and move onto the next area of improvement. Key strategies I’ve put in place include using oestrogen cream, vitamin A and vitamin E to stop my facial skin looking papery and wrinkly, using henna to colour my greying hair and changing my presentation to more classy and elegant by buying more suitable and better made clothing and footwear.

…and a note of caution …I don’t think heroic efforts to restore one’s appearance are necessary or key to maintaining the attention of one’s partner. At some stage it becomes an advantage to “age gracefully”. If appearance is so very important to him or her, you are just putting off the inevitable with radical cosmetic surgery etc. Sooner or later they will wander off after some pretty young thing – it would be better for you that they do this earlier while you have a better chance to find someone really nice who will last the distance.

New Hornibrook Bridge March 2012. A long bike ride to get to the other side - but possible through the support of a good and faithful companion.

Unconditional love without conditions – a life limiting belief – LOSE IT

Note: In Clarissa and my opinion, addressing this belief is important to both maintaining the health of a functional relationship and also making the best of a dysfunctional relationship.  

In this post I speak from experience and try to create some advice for myself and other people. Please note I don’t have experience or qualifications in a relevant field, so you need to think things through yourself and decide on your own approach. If things blow up - you need to take responsibility! 

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I suggest a new term “life limiting belief “. It’s similar to “self limiting belief”, but is a belief about life rather than oneself and one’s own capabilities.

The two co- related life limiting beliefs I address are:

1.      People naturally regulate their own behaviour.

2.      Marriage means unconditional love – you give everything and do everything for the spouse no matter what they do for you or for themselves.

I argue, if you really love someone you should help them become the best person they can possibly be and this may mean speaking out, working with them to achieve improvements or eventually withdrawing your support if your support is reinforcing their dysfunctional behaviour or seriously reducing their quality of your life. In some cases, when all other avenues are exhausted, you may need to threaten divorce.  However, I hope that a sensitive proactive approach will mean coercion is never needed.  

1.      People naturally regulate their own behaviour.

It may seem pretty obvious, but I took a long time to realize that many people don’t self-regulate – they need other people to motivate and even coerce them. Also, in general behaviour that is rewarded is reinforced. Hence, if your partner crosses a serious boundary or fails to make an equitable contribution, and you don’t call them on it and keep on rewarding them for the undesirable behaviour, they will continue to do it and even become worse.

Note: You need to be sensitive to the situation when addressing behaviour and demanding your standards are met. Some people are ill or for some reason cannot achieve a standard, e.g. a woman in menopause may not be able to keep up with both her job and housework or and may not be able to lose weight however much you threaten her. Also, someone who is clinically depressed cannot just ‘buck up’ and may need support to seek treatment.     

On the other hand, strong self-regulators respond very badly to attempts to tell them what to do and even worse to coercion. Of course they need to respect your boundaries, and most likely will because they know how affronted they are when someone crosses their boundaries – Billy is a strong self regulator and has laid down his boundaries firmly!! In these cases, when absolutely necessary, you need to make them aware of your needs and situation and make suggestions as to their behaviour based on firm evidence while firmly setting and defending your own boundaries.   

2.      Marriage means unconditional love – you give everything and do everything for the spouse not matter what they do for you or for themselves.

The first thing I did when considering the feasibility and desirability of unconditional love is wonder what God wanted. I’m not an expert theologian – so I put two thoughts in front of you – Does God love unconditionally? Would he create a structure where by someone could exploit and abuse someone for life? Would God create a situation whereby someone could develop and be rewarded for very bad and sinful habits? I think not! Perhaps people with expertise in this area could comment.

Given the above discussion on self-regulation and rewards reinforcing undesirable and dysfunctional behaviour, you can see how unconditional love can create serious issues for both parties.

Let me provide my example - my ex had to quit work due to illness. I should have suggested and possibly pressed him to seek medical help and then to make and implement a plan to rehabilitate and enter the workforce – at a level appropriate to his capabilities of course. Instead I thought he would organize himself and I worked harder, made more money and did all the housework even though he was at home all day. I spent so little time on myself my appearance suffered, I put on weight and I did not have the clothes and shoes I required to keep up my professional appearance. He on the other hand became fat, depressed, sicker, lazy and addicted to video games. He still complains about lack of help and support - so you can see misplaced "best efforts" and self sacrafise can be totally unappreciated!

As the partner with the greater capability and the stronger internal locus of control, I would argue it was my role to make him aware that he was not making the best of his life and that he needed to work and contribute if we were to make something of our lives together and reach our goals. If he put in insufficient effort while I was Miss Nice Mouse, I should have moved to harsher measures to kick him out of his complacency and spur him to action.  

Note: Exhaustively gather information and carefully formulate a strategy, including consideration of and control of risks (i.e. risks to them and you and any vulnerable others arising from the strategy or their response), before you bring up sensitive issues or try to force a dysfunctional partner to change. For example, if they are suffering from an illness, you should seek medical advice.  

So the summary – we should encourage our partner to be the best possible person they can be and as well police our own boundaries and have high expectations for the behaviour of all our family members.  If we believe in “unconditional love” and thus accept and reward laziness, irresponsibility and downright bad behaviour, the dysfunctionality will continue and likely get worse.  This is not the right thing to do and also it is unlikely God would think it a good idea!

Have high expectations and reach for the impossible - this dramatic flower grows tall and reaches for the sun against a clear blue Brisbane sky!

My journey 5: Where to from here?

I've made a lot of progress in my life - I've got the a career and established a wide network in a new sphere of business. I've moved on from a lot of things, but it's still not enough! 

What I really want is meaning and purpose.  I’ve got my pragmatic financial goals and goals related to a more comfortable life and I orient towards those, but there has to be more!    

I’d love to regain my creativity and paint, write amazing prose and learn music. Learning another language would also be great …. but I suspect this still won’t provide meaning and purpose.  

I need to declutter my life sufficiently and have enough rest such that my mind is capable of greater creativity. It will come naturally given the chance, but cannot be forced, e.g. I can just write this after a day doing very little and a long afternoon sleep. I wrote a rather simple post for my blog, but I still cannot write poetry.

So where to from here? ….self development definitely, exploiting some profitable opportunity if it comes my way, working quietly on promotion, deleting things from my life I do not need or want….  

Where to from here? Perhaps a deviation from the narrow road? 

My Journey 4: Attraction rating

Athol Kay argues that people seek partners that they perceive to be as attractive as or more attractive than themselves and that stable marriages result from people have similar attraction ratings.  It is also possible to increase's one's attractiveness and when one partner does, the other may seek to keep up or fall behind and separation may occur.

I have been reflecting on this framework as a way of structuring my understanding of a key part of my journey. 8 years ago I was overweight and did not own any nice outfits. I had significant health issues. Perhaps the only things I rated highly on were my ability to earn money, intelligence, education and pleasant personality.

I accepted my marriage was over and I started to change my life. I focused on making me better. I started to get a corporate wardrobe together, I lost weight, I became fitter and overcame my health problems. I reached out to old and new friends and started to focus on self development. I gave permission to some very trusted friends to challenge my attitudes, knowledge and behaviours.I went through both a physical and mental transformation and found a new job.

So here I am now - I have dated some very wonderul men and have a fantastic man in my life.  I think my attractiveness rating has sky rocketed

Candice 2011 - not older, better!