Menopause and breasts

Menopause can bring substantial and startling changes in the breasts – so let me tell you a little of the story of me and my breasts. I tell it in the hope you can leverage the knowledge for your good or that of someone close to you.

When they first appeared I found them inconvenient – they split my nicest dresses at the arms, bounced and were painful. Sheesssh! Bras were uncomfortable and chaffed to the point of torture – why do people think seams rubbing on one of the most delicate areas of the body is a good idea????

Note: Some people, both men and women, have very sensitive breasts and nipples and some do not. Forcing someone to wear a rough material (or indeed a silky, sensual material) can be torture or at least elicit inappropriate sensations.

ANYWAY – for roughly the next 30 years I did not think much about my breasts except to ensure modesty and to make sure they did not hurt. I appreciated them for being small and pert as I did not need to wear a bra and generally they kept out of the way. It did not really occur to me that breasts could be attractive to men. Yes REALLY!

Then came incipient menopause. First my breasts lost some density. I was shocked, but tried to think positively. They were still pert, I could still wear my tailored blouses and actually as they gained a little swing, they looked bigger! BONUS! By now I realised men were REALLY attracted to breasts!

Then as my hormones finally stopped, my breasts suddenly slumped and slipped down my chest – since the change was so sudden it was more shocking. I am sure my nipples are 5 cm lower than they were. I can no longer wear many of my tops without a bra. I was DEVASTATED! Cue real grieving!

Note: It is truly alarming and there is real grieving when a part of your body changes/deteriorates so much. It is natural to grieve and feel desperate and sad and willing to do anything to get back what you have lost. Rather than do something irreversible in desperation - like with anything – it’s best to wait a while and work through your feelings.

So now I have a choice – wear very camouflaging top garments to hide my sagging breasts or wear a bra! Goodness – the struggle continues to find bras that will not chaff and which are comfortable. Added to the usual complaints, my less dense breast tissue does not hold the bra down so well, so inevitably the band slips up over a little of my lower breast tissue and as well crushes some of the tissue on the side of my breasts. This can be UNBEARABLE! <sigh>

…time has passed ….

Even though I may be uncomfortable when I choose to wear a bra, I’ve developed a much more positive attitude to my breasts as they are now. They are still soft and nice to touch and they still look great with the right undergarments. They even seem to be a little larger … and … best of all, Awesome still likes them just as much. Really, I’ve got nothing to complain about!

Note: Lovers and partners are really important in maintaining one’s self esteem and self-perception of attractiveness. Be patient and listen and also know when to short-circuit obsessive concern with body changes that are natural and, well, not so important in the big picture. Above all, if you find us attractive, we’ll be more likely to believe we are attractive! 

Two orchids of suprising beauty!

Myth busters: women advise others to be unattractive to raise their own attractiveness rating

This one has been annoying me for some time….

I see wide acceptance in US blogs of the urban myth that women advise other women to dress / present themselves unattractively to raise their own comparative attractiveness to men. It goes something like this – a woman cunningly advises another woman her short hair cut etc is attractive and suitable for her, knowing the hair cut etc is not attractive to “men”. The first woman then appears comparatively more attractive.

There are sooo many holes in this belief you could drive a road train (freight truck with many trailers used in outback areas to transport all manner of goods) through it!!!!!

As usual, I write from the point of view of a mid life woman.

 Firstly, there is no acknowledgement of the reasons women compliment each other!  The main reasons are to start a positive conversation or reinforce the self-esteem of the other woman. There is no way a polite good-willed woman is going to tell another woman she is unattractive, too fat etc! We choose a positive aspect – say a nice blouse or hair colour we like and talk about that.

As I observe, women are largely community-minded, cooperative people who want to keep good relations with others and help other people be the best possible people they can. We don’t go around undermining other women.

Secondly, the context of the compliment is totally ignored. At work and in most social interactions we are seeking to be stylish, make the best of ourselves and above all be appropriately presented. It is not our goal to dress to attract men – especially in the work situation. Our compliments to other women reflect this context.

Note: most mid life women I know are married or not seeking a male partner. Why would dressing to attract men be top of our collective minds? We are not competing for men within our social group.

As an aside – older women dressing provocatively have been cited for sexual harassment by male colleagues. Also, as you age, certain provocative dress styles just ... look …well, even more inappropriate at work. We sometimes talk of what is appropriate or not. Our priority is to be professional and dress in a manner that is acceptable in the situation – looking sexually alluring is not a priority!!       

Thirdly, all these people who propagate the myth are assuming mostly heterosexual women know what heterosexual men find attractive. Apart from the obvious – e.g. low cut blouses and ample cleavage on young women – it’s all a bit of a mystery, especially when we suspect the males we really admire are past tarty public displays of legs and breasts when choosing that special someone for a life partner.    

I don’t think I have to say a PERSON cannot have any clear idea about what exactly a particular other PERSON will find sexually attractive! As Awesome said, some slobby  men want their partner to dress down to their level while other men want their partner to be elegant and classy.How can a third person know this?

Fourthly, by our 50s we have pretty well worked out there is no absolute standard for beauty and attractiveness and no longer feel driven to be fashion victims. We just want to keep our health and do the best we can with what we have got. We know we are so damn lucky compared to others and how the photos of models in magazines are highly airbrushed. Also, importantly, we know there is more to beauty than mere appearance! Do you really think we want to use our compliments to other women to reinforce some false standard and attack their self-esteem?

So, to sum up, women in my orbit are not interested in encouraging other women to be less attractive to men to ensure their own relative attractiveness is boosted. We have a vastly different agenda and speak and interact in a totally different context. If you want to find out what is attractive to men or a particular man, observe their reactions or ask them or him what you should wear or how to do your hair. It's very simple really. 

I am really blown away by pink sunsets and other natural atmospheric effects - but that is just me!

Post menopause women don't need to fear their husband will chase after younger and "fertile" women!

I’ve found reference again to how post menopause women are not attractive (since they are not fertile) and therefore at risk of their husbands running off with younger more beautiful women!!!!!!! I’ll not dignify the blog/post with a link.

This is an urban myth propagated by younger people who understandably do not find mature women attractive. People should be careful about accepting and propagating negative stereotypes. This particular one is untrue and very hurtful.  

I’ve met a good many mature men looking for affairs and divorced men looking for a second wife. None of them have said – “oh dear me, my wife is old and fat and thus unattractive and therefore I feel compelled to seek a younger and therefore more attractive option”. I mentioned the issue to Neville who is interviewing ladies re partnership and he was indignant and amazed that anyone could say older women are not attractive.

It is true however that middle aged men re-evaluate their lives (just as do women) and thus might choose to move on from a long term relationship – either in entirety or just sexually.  

The reasons I’ve been told by men for moving on sexually include:

·        Wife does not want to have sex with me or wife does not want to have enough sex with me.

·        Wife does not like me and does not have sex with me.

·        We are not compatible and I am looking for more than just boring sex.

·        Wife is not affectionate.

·        Wife is boring in bed and generally boring. 

·        Wife is a cranky harpy.

·        Wife is lazy and boring with poor grooming and presentation.

·        I (or wife) want to divorce.

There are also those sad cases where illness and disability cut short intimacy between a couple.  

Married men seem totally willing to overlook figure flaws and the effects of aging and take into account shared history, excellent mothering and housekeeping skills, diligence and self development, efforts at presentation and grooming and sexual compatibility and sexual participation. I suspect men still see the young girl they married when they look at their wife. It does not seem hard to keep a husband faithful though middle age and beyond.

I’ve also found unmarried men seeking a new wife and men seeking affairs quite willing to consider a woman their own age or in some cases older if desired sexual and other compatibility factors are present. It seems chemistry, connection and compatibility are much more important than being ‘young and fertile’. Indeed, Neville thinks lack of fertility is a definite advantage!          

My motto is “not older, better”! Please remember this and avoid being needlessly hurtful by propagating unfounded urban myths.

Thank you! :-) C  

Gum blossoms are attractive at all stages of their life cycle from bud to mature nut ... but one may not see their beauty until one is ready to see it!

My Journey 4: Attraction rating

Athol Kay argues that people seek partners that they perceive to be as attractive as or more attractive than themselves and that stable marriages result from people have similar attraction ratings.  It is also possible to increase's one's attractiveness and when one partner does, the other may seek to keep up or fall behind and separation may occur.

I have been reflecting on this framework as a way of structuring my understanding of a key part of my journey. 8 years ago I was overweight and did not own any nice outfits. I had significant health issues. Perhaps the only things I rated highly on were my ability to earn money, intelligence, education and pleasant personality.

I accepted my marriage was over and I started to change my life. I focused on making me better. I started to get a corporate wardrobe together, I lost weight, I became fitter and overcame my health problems. I reached out to old and new friends and started to focus on self development. I gave permission to some very trusted friends to challenge my attitudes, knowledge and behaviours.I went through both a physical and mental transformation and found a new job.

So here I am now - I have dated some very wonderul men and have a fantastic man in my life.  I think my attractiveness rating has sky rocketed

Candice 2011 - not older, better!