Note: domestic abuse includes anything that creates fear such as throwing things and shouting/screaming. You don't have to actually cause physical harm to perpetrate domestic violence. If you have uncontrollable anger or wish to solve problems constructively there is help and you may well find treating an illness or other stressful problem helpful. You don't have to lose your family and be a criminal.
Note: if someone is getting wound up don't stick around to argue a point and don't get angry and pursue someone to get your own back or "sort it out" on the spot - discretion is the best part of valour
Note: if someone is being abusive call the police if you cannot handle the situation safely and you are in imminent danger. If someone is being beaten, call the police immeidately and tell them what is happening. Do not wait - people have died because others have not called the police. One punch can kill. The police are trained to handle difficult people.
So to my learnings from half a life somewhat wasted:-
In the first place, I should not have accepted the bossy nature, temper and tantrums and found a new boyfriend/partner. HOWEVER, I had grown up with a very temperamental and abusive parent who thought that she was “doing the right thing” by repeating her own childhood experience. Do you detect the “cycle of abuse” thing here? Therefore, if you have issues in your life with other people, I advise you to read, talk to other people and question your own experience. Remember, you will see things through the lens of your life – you will think your life is normal and simply not see the clues that other people have different and perhaps better lives.
Secondly, I should have detected the clues that my intended spouse thought domestic abuse was an acceptable way to solve problems, e.g. telling me that somebody else smashed crockery during an argument without saying it was a bad thing to do; a door broken in anger; and also a history of arguments in his own parental home. I should have seen that a problem might exist and I should have spoken out – i.e. “I believe in solving problems peacefully and constructively. I will not marry someone that does not want this. Moreover, the first time you try temper with me you are toast!”
Thirdly, I should have maintained my power base and independence – own friends, own money, options other than staying with him. Once I had options he tried harder to behave in an acceptable way and sought medical help. I also attended a self defense class which was really useful in terms of learning how to avoid violence and how to handle attacks if they did happen (I have never needed to use violence to protect myself).
Fourthly, I should have set my boundaries firmly the first time he used anger/smashing things to control me. A social worker told me this. Also, Awesome says that domestic bullies are cowards and the thing to do is to tell them not to do it otherwise there will be consequences – such as being dragged off by the police or leaving the marriage. He says that a couple of experiences of negative consequences may be necessary. Instead I ignored, what to me looked like a random act of violence, which he followed by boasting how he had showed me I could “not treat him like that” ….and the pattern was set.
The first time he threw a tantrum I was so scared I could not think and simply did not know what to do. The learning from this is to read books, talk to people and practice assertion and conflict resolution skills BEFORE you face a test – assertion and conflict resolution will be useful in all aspects of your life. It is also helpful to swot up afterwards, but it takes longer to change ingrained behaviour.
Fifthly I should have looked into why he behaved as he did. I have several theories:
- He thought throwing tantrums to control others was acceptable and worked well. It did seem to be part of his childhood and subgroup culture. I countered this by quoting government literature on domestic violence and appealing to his desire to be a good and honourable person.
- He tended to misinterpret facial expressions and meanings – anything remotely negative was seen as very critical and animated facial expressions were like red flags to a bull.
- I reinforced his use of anger to control me by doing what he wanted rather than speaking out or providing direct negative consequences.
- As he became chronically ill he could not cope with the frustrations of life and anyway was poorly equipped to solve problems. Hence, the tantrums became more frantic and less controlled. Gaining medical advice and solving a chronic health issue helped this cause.
ANYWAY, I wrote on John’s blog about my way of handling outbursts – I still think this is a good way to deal with anger that a person cannot control as it limits the damage and does not reward the behaviour. Remember this tactic should be combined with communicating boundaries, self empowerment and learning essential people skills.
I always had my handbag ready to go with all I needed to start a new life – glasses, money, passport, camera, phone etc. I also kept it handy and tried to keep it in a place where it was both safe and where I had two exits and therefore could not be trapped. At the first sign of rage I would stop whatever I was doing, put the handbag on my shoulder and walk out. I found 30 minutes to 60 minutes was enough for him to calm down. I based my tactic on the practice of extinguishing bad behaviour in a child who is throwing a tantrum by simply ignoring the child.
Walking away rather than engaging also ensures the person does not get wound up further and also does not do something rash that could be regretted later. He used to get to a stage where he was quite out of control and there was nothing that could be done except give him space. I am sure he would have destroyed more property and perhaps hurt me if I’d tried to argue with him when he was getting out of control.
I always tried to have an escape route, but sometimes he cornered me. In that case I sought not to inflame the situation. I used to avert my eyes, keep my expression blank, adopt a non-aggressive stance and just agree or if it seemed prudent repeat quietly – “this is domestic abuse, you are bigger than me, I am frightened. Please stop. Please let me go.”
I never had kids to protect, so I am not sure what you do if there are kids around. I expect one would bundle them up as well and go to a refuge until the rage issue was solved permanently. You would also have to teach them that domestic rage and abuse is not acceptable and teach them alternative and constructive ways to deal with problems.
Now I am sure most of my readers are going to think – “crumbs Candice, why were you so naïve and silly”. However, I’ve written this to inform other people who, just like the young Candice, really need to get their act together before half their life is wasted dealing with someone else’s anger issues.
Note: I don't judge people with anger issues and recognise that with the wrong 'nature' and 'nuture' situation, we could all be the abusive one. Some folks are ill and just can't control their anger. However, hanging around to get abused helps no one. Also, if someone gets angry and then leaves to cool down, don't follow them up and attack/scold them. Let them come back when they are ready to talk quietly.
Note: I don't judge people with anger issues and recognise that with the wrong 'nature' and 'nuture' situation, we could all be the abusive one. Some folks are ill and just can't control their anger. However, hanging around to get abused helps no one. Also, if someone gets angry and then leaves to cool down, don't follow them up and attack/scold them. Let them come back when they are ready to talk quietly.
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| Queen Street Mall flowers August 2011 - there are always flowers and there is always hope! Just love the light in Queensland on these bright cold days. The Council have changed the flowers and they are still fresh and vibrant. |
