(Sexual) innovation and menopause

My 40s were perhaps my most innovative sexually – I read widely about sexual practices and was always the one with the new ideas. I thought endlessly about different ways of having sex.

ANYWAY, one of the things I missed post menopause was the loss of the drive to discover and accomplish new things sexually. I no longer felt as driven to read articles on sexual technique and if we did the same thing time after time, I was very happy.

BUT…the other day I realised I was reading widely on relationship development and was dreaming about closeness and connection.

NOW … post menopause - I am driven to explore and innovate in the areas of intimacy and sensuality. I'd just not recognised my focus had changed!

A beautiful and unexpected flower - ornamental cardamon!

Innovation = great sex!

It just struck me that great sex at any age and particularly as one grows older is about the ability to innovate to overcome problems and find mutually satisfying solutions.

During the fertile years birth control is a salient problem, especially as one feels more driven to have sex during ovulation.  There are many methods to identify the days when pregnancy is a risk. I just measured my temperature and checked for fertile mucus.

Fertile mucus is sticky like egg white.  Sperm can live in the mucus for many days, so the fertile time begins when the fertile mucus appears. The fertile mucus disappears just after the egg is produced and the egg only lasts a day, so declare the fertile period finished 3 days after the fertile mucus disappears. Thus, one needs to be careful of pregnancy for only approximately 8 days out of each cycle.     

With some innovation one can have great sex during ovulation without unnatural birth control.  The key point in ovulation sex is that the sperm must not find an unbroken path of fertile mucus (produced by the lady, the sticky egg white like stuff) leading to the egg. Thus, unprotected penetrative sex during the fertile time is not a good idea as even with the withdrawal method, some semen may seep out into the vagina.

This leaves manual and oral sex, using sex toys and other innovate tactics . I won’t go into all the details, sufficient to say be careful where the semen lands and ends up. Clean up immediately before cuddling to make sure accidents do not happen. I have no objections to condoms, so my preference was to use them during ovulation and again clean up carefully.

I think cessation of sex as people become older may also be related to lack of innovation and lack of willingness to solve problems. One can have great sex even without an erect penis or a working vagina! Crumbs, sensual pleasure is possible without any sex (or libido) at all!  

Note: Dr Dan would like to say at this point that issues with sex are often related to other health problems and can be early warnings of things like heart disease. So please see your doctor if you have pain, malfunction or lack of libido issues which impede your ability to have sex or enjoy sex. Even a lack of interest can be a hormone issue. Many of these health conditions can be remedied cheaply and easily.

Really, all this lack-of-sex-suffering is mostly an inability to think (and work) outside the box! 

Living in a world of couples ….

When I was younger I did not notice the world was filled with couples and that one’s social group tends to be determined in part by one’s relationship status.  

Within social occasions there seem to be niches tailored to the target group, so if everyone is partnered, it’s hard to fit in without a partner. For example, if you are going to a wedding – you need to bring someone of the opposite gender, except if you are gay and then the same gender is acceptable.

Another key issue for a lady with mostly male friends is that once the male friends get married, they tend to be wary of showing friendship to a lady, let alone a single lady!  

So how do you avoid looking like a lone predatory seabird sitting on a rock? How do you avoid unsettling every married woman (or man) in the room? FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS, THAT’S HOW! No, not that kind of benefit silly! I mean social benefits. You need a selection of socially acceptable people you can invite to partner you at weddings and other social events.

Awesome is very busy and often away on business, so I’ve cultivated a stable of male friends with social benefits. Billy may attend lectures and seminars if they are of interest to him. Ellis will attend social events and Nelson has specifically offered to attend weddings - after seeing my social plight at Ronaldo’s wedding.  FIXED!  

…..and as I write this I am reminded that the world of the older single is sooo different from the world of the married person. We should take this into account when arranging social functions so singles are not further socially isolated. 

Usually I don't photograph people - but on a recent trip to Moreton Bay I was struck by the beauty and meaning of the combination of people and landscape ... and as I look back at those photos I see the family groups, the pairs of friends and the lovers - and morose singles sitting alone ...  

No longer serving longer term goals, turning to new experiences …

Today I went to see a national league football match at the biggest stadium in Brisbane. It was AWESOME! This after a sports car club rally on a previous weekend! 

 ….

For most of my life I’ve planned and worked to make the family stronger. It takes at least 6 generations for a landed country family to do really well - six unbroken and quality links in a long chain. 

From a very young age I’ve endeavoured to lift my link above the income level at which families become richer rather than poorer - to provide a substantial foundation on which the next generation could build.

Then the disastrous marriage!  I’m by nature loyal and diligent – in this case losing rather than gaining attributes. It is too late to try again. There are no children. There is no future - only the now.

It’s taken many years of grieving to accept a necessary change in direction. Other branches of the family still have the chance to achieve greatness.  I’ve broken my particular side chain and there is nothing I can do except play the hand I have dealt myself as best I can. Hence, enjoy the now!

……

When Ronaldo and his wife offered two free passes to their corporate box, I leapt into action. Awesome is away and Billy is not into football so I bundled up old pal and colleague Ellis and off we went!

The photos don’t capture anything like the ambiance and excitement of the event. We took the free bus full of hopeful and happy fans to the venue – so much fun and excitement building!

My first glimpse of the playing field through the portal of a door to a corporate box was massively impressive! It looked so green and so close! 

The players were sooo fit and sooo graceful as they warmed up on the field. Aussie rules players are truly the best examples of Australian men! Most appeared over 6’4”! 

    

As we left the stadium, Ronaldo’s glamorous and very classy wife complimented my hair and new blouse! Can life in the “now” get any better? 

The importance of dressing well for men!

I commented on Omega’s site and quickly received a comment on my comment, so thought I might rework it a bit and publish it here, so here goes ….  

Presentation is SO important for MEN and women! For example, when women are checking out men re – relationships, they pick up on social clues, some of which come from grooming and presentation.

I keep trying to work out why Billy is girlfriendless – he’s well off, smart, caring and very creative. He’s a wonderful writer and heaps better than me. He’s also extremely cute and my hero!  I expect his clothes just don’t give the right messages.  

I’d advise any man to dress stylishly and suitably for his build and activities with consideration for the social cues so provided.  However, when it comes to men’s clothes, I know little ….

NEVERTHELESS … the aim of this blog is to provide insights and advice based on my experience! So I will try …  

I’ve improved my wardrobe and presentation from a low base and I will try and draw some lessons for men.

Firstly, I must say it’s a journey – due to the need to build skill and resources, it takes time to gain your goals and those goals tend to shift. In fact, you may become aware of grooming matters you never thought existed or mattered.

Secondly, you need to be always scanning for ideas and opportunities to buy good stuff cheap, e.g. if you know what you need and can appear on the first day, sales and closing down sales provide massive opportunities for buying classy stuff cheap. Recently a classy menswear chain liquidated – even dinner suits were going cheap! I am so peeved Billy would not take a look and also that he’s resisted the preparation step of going around checking what’s available, at what price and what suits him.

Thirdly, vintage and secondhand can represent a chance to do something good for the environment, charity and yourself. I am always scanning outlets and even e-bay. Check out items carefully for faults and evidence of local vermin. I always wash my stuff carefully before bringing it into my wardrobe.

Fourthly, tailored looks great especially if you are a large man or non standard shape. If I was able to afford it I’d go overseas with Billy and get us both some tailored suits, work gear, shirts etc. Once you are there, in the right country tailoring is a cheap and sensible alternative to buying off the rack.

I’d like to note how important it is to try things on – buying online can be a bit of a trap without being able to see how things look on. Also, you may miss opportunities because some things can look plain on the hanger and nice on you. It’s fine just to set aside some time and go try stuff on. Often you may end up buying something and indeed, it may be a good tactic to aim at buying say a shirt, but try on a range of stuff for the experience. That way the shop gets something from all the effort to serve you.

And —oh— one of my friends dresses a lot from those adventure and outdoor stores. Oh goodness he looks good. He’s tall and athletic and the clothing just tends to set that off! On the strength of that I bought a pair of microfibre trousers and a shirt – I must say I looked like a girl park ranger rather than a film star (as he did), but they are handy for bike riding and hiking …

ANYWAY…good luck with the grooming and presentation! I believe with a little effort and luck we can look better rather than worse as we age!   

Talking of presentation ... this pink dahlia is so fabulous!! Do you see the Australian native bee?