Menopause and breasts

Menopause can bring substantial and startling changes in the breasts – so let me tell you a little of the story of me and my breasts. I tell it in the hope you can leverage the knowledge for your good or that of someone close to you.

When they first appeared I found them inconvenient – they split my nicest dresses at the arms, bounced and were painful. Sheesssh! Bras were uncomfortable and chaffed to the point of torture – why do people think seams rubbing on one of the most delicate areas of the body is a good idea????

Note: Some people, both men and women, have very sensitive breasts and nipples and some do not. Forcing someone to wear a rough material (or indeed a silky, sensual material) can be torture or at least elicit inappropriate sensations.

ANYWAY – for roughly the next 30 years I did not think much about my breasts except to ensure modesty and to make sure they did not hurt. I appreciated them for being small and pert as I did not need to wear a bra and generally they kept out of the way. It did not really occur to me that breasts could be attractive to men. Yes REALLY!

Then came incipient menopause. First my breasts lost some density. I was shocked, but tried to think positively. They were still pert, I could still wear my tailored blouses and actually as they gained a little swing, they looked bigger! BONUS! By now I realised men were REALLY attracted to breasts!

Then as my hormones finally stopped, my breasts suddenly slumped and slipped down my chest – since the change was so sudden it was more shocking. I am sure my nipples are 5 cm lower than they were. I can no longer wear many of my tops without a bra. I was DEVASTATED! Cue real grieving!

Note: It is truly alarming and there is real grieving when a part of your body changes/deteriorates so much. It is natural to grieve and feel desperate and sad and willing to do anything to get back what you have lost. Rather than do something irreversible in desperation - like with anything – it’s best to wait a while and work through your feelings.

So now I have a choice – wear very camouflaging top garments to hide my sagging breasts or wear a bra! Goodness – the struggle continues to find bras that will not chaff and which are comfortable. Added to the usual complaints, my less dense breast tissue does not hold the bra down so well, so inevitably the band slips up over a little of my lower breast tissue and as well crushes some of the tissue on the side of my breasts. This can be UNBEARABLE! <sigh>

…time has passed ….

Even though I may be uncomfortable when I choose to wear a bra, I’ve developed a much more positive attitude to my breasts as they are now. They are still soft and nice to touch and they still look great with the right undergarments. They even seem to be a little larger … and … best of all, Awesome still likes them just as much. Really, I’ve got nothing to complain about!

Note: Lovers and partners are really important in maintaining one’s self esteem and self-perception of attractiveness. Be patient and listen and also know when to short-circuit obsessive concern with body changes that are natural and, well, not so important in the big picture. Above all, if you find us attractive, we’ll be more likely to believe we are attractive! 

Two orchids of suprising beauty!

Myth busters: women advise others to be unattractive to raise their own attractiveness rating

This one has been annoying me for some time….

I see wide acceptance in US blogs of the urban myth that women advise other women to dress / present themselves unattractively to raise their own comparative attractiveness to men. It goes something like this – a woman cunningly advises another woman her short hair cut etc is attractive and suitable for her, knowing the hair cut etc is not attractive to “men”. The first woman then appears comparatively more attractive.

There are sooo many holes in this belief you could drive a road train (freight truck with many trailers used in outback areas to transport all manner of goods) through it!!!!!

As usual, I write from the point of view of a mid life woman.

 Firstly, there is no acknowledgement of the reasons women compliment each other!  The main reasons are to start a positive conversation or reinforce the self-esteem of the other woman. There is no way a polite good-willed woman is going to tell another woman she is unattractive, too fat etc! We choose a positive aspect – say a nice blouse or hair colour we like and talk about that.

As I observe, women are largely community-minded, cooperative people who want to keep good relations with others and help other people be the best possible people they can. We don’t go around undermining other women.

Secondly, the context of the compliment is totally ignored. At work and in most social interactions we are seeking to be stylish, make the best of ourselves and above all be appropriately presented. It is not our goal to dress to attract men – especially in the work situation. Our compliments to other women reflect this context.

Note: most mid life women I know are married or not seeking a male partner. Why would dressing to attract men be top of our collective minds? We are not competing for men within our social group.

As an aside – older women dressing provocatively have been cited for sexual harassment by male colleagues. Also, as you age, certain provocative dress styles just ... look …well, even more inappropriate at work. We sometimes talk of what is appropriate or not. Our priority is to be professional and dress in a manner that is acceptable in the situation – looking sexually alluring is not a priority!!       

Thirdly, all these people who propagate the myth are assuming mostly heterosexual women know what heterosexual men find attractive. Apart from the obvious – e.g. low cut blouses and ample cleavage on young women – it’s all a bit of a mystery, especially when we suspect the males we really admire are past tarty public displays of legs and breasts when choosing that special someone for a life partner.    

I don’t think I have to say a PERSON cannot have any clear idea about what exactly a particular other PERSON will find sexually attractive! As Awesome said, some slobby  men want their partner to dress down to their level while other men want their partner to be elegant and classy.How can a third person know this?

Fourthly, by our 50s we have pretty well worked out there is no absolute standard for beauty and attractiveness and no longer feel driven to be fashion victims. We just want to keep our health and do the best we can with what we have got. We know we are so damn lucky compared to others and how the photos of models in magazines are highly airbrushed. Also, importantly, we know there is more to beauty than mere appearance! Do you really think we want to use our compliments to other women to reinforce some false standard and attack their self-esteem?

So, to sum up, women in my orbit are not interested in encouraging other women to be less attractive to men to ensure their own relative attractiveness is boosted. We have a vastly different agenda and speak and interact in a totally different context. If you want to find out what is attractive to men or a particular man, observe their reactions or ask them or him what you should wear or how to do your hair. It's very simple really. 

I am really blown away by pink sunsets and other natural atmospheric effects - but that is just me!

When do men give up on sex?

I aim to report and reflect the personal experiences of people to gain depth to the wonderful work done by scientists and others who study society, medicine etc. After all, averages tell us nothing about individuals and the details of their experience. So when I find out something interesting I try to remember to report it here.

The other day I was talking to Sage (an older man who’s lived a full life) and he disputed the statistics I was repeating from John the Marriage Coach’s blog, namely 1/3 men stop having sex at 65 and 1/3 at 75.

Sage asserted that most men give up sex at 40 and just did not report correctly in surveys. He also said most men have big mouths and boast to their mates in the pub (bar), but may not be living what they say. After a while, they may try again and find they cannot, i.e. “not used it - lost it”.   

Sage suggests that pure boredom with doing the same thing for 20 years may contribute to (married) men giving up sex. He suggests consciously working at keeping sex interesting by trying new things.

I am still not sure what happened with the ex but – another pen pal – Thomas – who is also older and wiser – suggested that a man loses confidence if his equipment does not work and therefore does not want to try again.

One of the longer term aims of my blog is to address how to keep sex going and great through mid life and later years – so perhaps we can work out how to avoid losing one of the most enjoyable activities in our lives.  

Grape vine spring 2011 - I really love new leaves and those graceful tendrils!