Maintaining my vital parts post-menopause

Deterioration in private parts due to menopause can have a huge influence on the ability and desire to have sex. Without the hormonal imperative, pain and other negative impacts have the potential to totally put someone off having sex at all.

I’ve had huge issues maintaining my private parts starting with late peri-menopause and this has impacted my ability to have sex and also my motivation to do so.

My journey

It has taken me some years, but I’ve finally hit upon a system which is effective and enables me to have gentle penetrative sex a few times a week. The following documents my journey to a solution.

During late peri-menopause, as my estrogen levels waned the acidity level of my vagina dropped and unwanted microbes started to grow. I struggled constantly against a yellow discharge, bad smells and infections such as thrush. Tests did not show any STDs or major culprits, but I was frequently smelly and sore.

Estrogen cream was a magic solution. Not only did my private parts become soft, moist and healthy, but my sensations were enhanced back to normal. However, after some months I developed a common side effect – rashes. So I had to give up using them.

Without estrogen my vagina and in particular perineum became less flexible and as menopause impacted, as well, I often suffered chafing and stretch injuries from sex. Added to this, were various degrees of irritation (or infection) indicated by red inflamed mucous membranes.

Bathing my privates with warm salty water to which a little plain vinegar was added was soothing and non-irritating, but not a powerful solution.

Anti-fungal and anti-bacterial creams from the chemist shop helped only so far and after a few applications my private parts started to be irritated by them.
Yoghurt helped control infections, but was not the entire solution to the irritation and painful sex.

Cortisone cream could quieten the irritation, but needed to be used sparingly as it could mask an infection.

The solution

It became clear that there were no quick fixes and I needed to put in a lot of work to maintain my private parts in working order.

Also, I have found that if I am treating a problem, I need to visually inspect the area with a mirror daily in order to closely monitor and adjust treatments.

Here is my protocol to treat an inflammation or infection:

• Check daily using mirror. Use observations to inform treatment decisions. 
• Don’t have sex involving private area. Treat and rest until it returns to normal.
• Control infections using Chlorsig (kills both fungi and bacteria) ointment for a few days. It is very powerful yet non-irritating as it is not a stabilised cream. 
• For mild infections or further control after Chlorsig use Canesten for a couple of times.
• If necessary use a little cortisone to control inflammation but not for more than a couple of applications. This can be combined with Canesten. 
• Use yoghurt or vitamin E/coconut oil as very mild treatment for infection or for further control.
• After treatment continue to rinse with salty water and avoid all irritations to allow the inflammation to settle.

Prevention is a huge part of my strategy:

• I frequently apply Canesten to my anal area to stop thrush from starting and travelling downwards.
• I apply oestrogen cream to my perineum every second or third day. This almost totally stops tears and chafing from penetrative sex but does not irritate nearby mucous membranes.
• I use personal lubricant for penetrative sex. 
• I apply live high quality plain yogurt (or Canesten) to my private areas every now and again, particularly after sex or if there is an unwanted smell. This helps control the microbial balance and avoid an outbreak.

Tactics during sex are also important but the subject of another post.

How to remain STD free

Remaining sexually transmitted disease (STD) free is a key consideration when dating in middle years and later. The two main issues I see are mistakenly believing one is STD free and being infected before one becomes savvy enough to protect oneself. 

The facts one should know

 There is no such thing as safe sex where genital herpes (herpes simplex virus HSV) or genital warts (human papillomavirus - HPV) are concerned. There is also no complete cure - an infection is likely to be life long, even if that is a life without further symptoms.

Both HSV and HPV can infect the face, mouth, nose and genital areas. Both can be transmitted via exchange of infected bodily fluids and skin contact with an infected area.

As a result of the places infected, STDs can be caught from kissing, intercourse, sharing sex toys and sharing eating utensils as well as touching infected areas.  

The range of activities that can present a risk of infection mean you may become infected long before you actually have sex and condoms simply do not cover enough of you to ensure you don’t become infected if your partner is shedding viruses, either through a lesion / wart or bodily fluid.

A person can be infectious even without visible lesions / warts because either the lesions / warts are tiny or hidden or they are simply shedding in their bodily fluids. Hence, even if you are careful, use condoms and inspect each other, you still might become infected.

Infection is so prevalent in the community - you simply cannot take chances if you want to remain STD free. Approximately 1 in 8 people in Australia are HSV positive. Most people that are sexually active will contact HPV sometime in their lives. In fact, around 50% of sexually active people with have HPV antibodies by the time they are in their late 40s / 50s. 

Only people who have never had intimate contact with another person (including kissing) or who have only had intimate contact with another person similarly STD free are likely to be STD free. 

What you can do

If you are HSV / HPV free and wish to retain this very desirable state, you don’t have the opportunity to make even one mistake – one kiss (even on the cheek), sex with a condom or even sharing a towel could end your STD free status.  

Here are recommendations based on science and my experience:

Recommendation 1: Don’t take chances. Educate yourself and decide on a strategy before you start dating – even before you kiss anyone or have protected sex.  

Recommendation 2: Check you are actually STD free. Seek the best medical advice and have the best tests for all STDs. HPV is mostly diagnosed through visual inspection and pap smears. There is no definitive test routinely available, seek the best service you can obtain. 

Recommendation 3: Keep your test results. When someone suspects they have an STD (and this is very common) they start looking for sources of infection. Your results are your defense.  

Recommendation 4: Be immunized against HPV – this will not cover all strains, but will reduce your chances of contracting the main ones that cause cancer. Don’t be put off by being outside the recommended age group.

Recommendation 5: Don’t commit your heart or even kiss until you are sure of the STD status of the prospective partner – then make an informed decision.

Recommendation 6: Don’t accept assurances that a person is STD free or that tests have proven them STD free - see next recommendation..

Recommendation 7: Have a reputable doctor test both of you and report back to you both.   

    

Recommendation 8: Ensure your new STD free partner is as dedicated as you to remaining STD free.   

Menopause and older men - a wonderul relationship opportunity

Older men represent an attractive relationship opportunity for women aged 50+. There are a significant number of nice, interesting, kind, loving and good looking men running around free.

For a woman going through menopause, a supportive partner who has "been there before" can be a great asset.

From my experience, older men also tend to be thoughtful and gentle lovers. This is a great advantage to the post-menopausal woman who may suffer from less robust private parts and appreciate skill and understanding.

I also appreciate the wisdom and knowledge picked up over a lifetime doing interesting things. His Awesomeness is my most treasured mentor.  

So how to attract these wonderful older men?

• Be young at heart, positive and happy. 

• Be as fit and healthy as possible.

• Make the best of yourself in terms of presentation. 

• Be an interesting person to talk to.

• Be companionable and willing to join your partner in their favourite activities, e.g. boating, traveling.

The older men I know (except my ex) still have healthy libidos and want to enjoy intimacy including wonderful sex. Hence, an interest in and general open-minded attitude to sex is likely to trigger the attention of older men.

Of course, you need to think carefully about a relationship with an older man, especially if he is not able to support himself financially or has medical conditions which could lead to you being his long term carer (and payer of expensive medical bills).

Nevertheless, there is a very great opportunity to have a really wonderful man in your life if you consider someone 60+.

Menopause: treating atrophic vaginitis and complications

In the last post I alluded to my recent long running and distressing genital issues. In short, I was sore and very red and very, very worried about it all because of a) the discomfort and b) the inability to enjoy sex.

I share this information to help other women and their partners because the problems I experienced are rarely discussed. Everyone will expeience some problems over time, but only a smaller proportion experience the chronic issues I've experienced so early.

I believe I’ve suffered a number of interacting conditions, so it was hard to solve the problem – atrophic vaginitis, bacterial vaginitis, thrush, vulval eczema etc. Plus of course the effects of ill-conceived remedies based on my own ignorance!

I normally use Ovestin cream on my private parts to overcome the negative impacts of menopause.

Doctor Dan prescribed a steroid cream to treat the inflammation and told me to avoid everything else besides warm salty water! The steroid cream settled my inflammation within a week, but it had the potential to mask any other issues such as allergic reaction and infection.  

Without oestrogen cream (I use estriol cream) my genital tissues become less robust and my vaginal pH became less acid.  Hence without hormone cream I suffer pain upon intercourse and am prone to microbial imbalances, thrush etc. The condition is called atrophic vaginitis with overlain infections.

But wait …one of the most common side effects of Ovestin cream is skin irritation…. The gynaecologist recommended stopping all treatments for a week … where upon I contracted a bad case of thrush because without hormones, I am hugely prone to infections! Thereafter followed 2 courses of Canestin cream!

Now I needed quick access to a topical source of non-irritating oestrogen. The only option easily available in Australia is a compounded cream. I found a pharmacy and they conferred with my doctor to formulate a cream. More delays!

The pharmacist asked me to trial some cream bases to see if they irritated me. A reliable trial was very difficult. I chose the base which did not irritate my face and which did not appear to irritate my private parts (I just tried a small patch).

Eventually I got my cream. I applied the cream almost every day until the yellow discharge (from cervical atrophy which occurs without topical oestrogen ) went away. However, I was still a little sore. I could not see the white cottage cheese like material that is characteristic of thrush and there was no bad smell, yet my inner labia and associated areas were mottled red. I could manage sex only once a week.

I am prone to skin irritation and allergies, so I concluded I may be irritated by something. Also irritated skin is easily colonised by microbes which makes things worse.

One option was the cream was irritating me – yet an alternative would be difficult to find. Hence, exploring other causes seemed like the best thing to do.

I cut back on soap and shampoos and rinsed with warm salty water acidified with plain vinegar. I figured this would tend to soothe and also knock back infections. I also applied steroid cream daily after my shower. I mixed in Vitamin E hoping that would promote healing.

Importantly I could not associate any worsening in my condition with these treatments – if anything makes things worse one must stop IMMEDIATELY.  

Knowing that female genital tissues take a long time to react to treatments, I waited patiently and things did seem to be good some times. However, I was still sore at times.

I tend to suffer skin infections in parts near my private parts – thrush and the like.  I guessed these might be transferred to my private parts, so now I treat any parts that might become infected everyday after my shower with vaginal Canesten or even with dilute hydrogen peroxide.         

My partner’s female doctor suggested that the henna I use on my hair and any soap could be irritating – in fact, some women apply henna to their pubic hair and consequently experience irritation of the mucus membranes.

So .... currently I am obssessively protecting my private parts from all shampoo, soap and hair treatments. I wash my hair over the sink. If I use soap on the upper part of my body, I wipe it off many times with a wet flannel before taking my shower.

Finally I seem to be getting some control and needing the steroid cream less. I will need a few more weeks before I know things are working well.

The lesson: keeping one’s post-menopause genitals in working condition requires careful management of a whole system of matters and influences.  Medical advice and pharmaceuticals are important, but in the end, one’s personal management is the key to success.

Menopause: further changes in the vagina

Something no one talks about is that menopause and aging inevitably leads to deterioration of the female genitals. I cannot make too many general statements because I am only an expert on myself, but I hope what I have to share may help.    

Many women just accept genital atrophy and get on with putting up with the discomfort and not having sex. I imagine that is one of the reasons many single older women choose not to find a new partner.

I also imagine genital atrophy is a reason married women give up on sex. Pain combined with lack of hormonal driver (i.e. lack of libido), dissatisfaction with partner, fatigue and beliefs that older women don’t have sex could make it easy to just avoid sex.    

One of the first signs of atrophy can be pain on intercourse or other sexual activities. There might also be chronic inflammation of the genitals. Another sign is malodorous yellow discharge (or indeed just yellow discharge).

I started off with yellow discharge plus a moving feast of different distressing smells. After my hormones stopped I started to feel pain upon intercourse, possibly due to lack of lubrication and more fragile tissues.

Ovestrin cream alleviated my genital atrophy problem for about a year, then the irritation and pain upon sexual activities including .intercourse began again. <sigh>

At first I put up with the pain and soreness after sex. My partner travels a lot for business and is very considerate, so I had time to recover in between. However, the problem became worse and my ability to have sex decreased.

I tried all sorts of remedies that had worked in the past – yogurt, probiotics and even some aggressive treatments that worked on fungal / microbial infections on other parts of my body. BIG MISTAKE!!!! Things that work with robust pre-menopause private parts may not solve post-menopause problems and make things much, much worse!!!.    

Eventually my vagina and surrounding area was flaming red and very sore. POOR ME!

SOLVING THE PROBLEM TOOK MANY MONTHS. This is something hard for men to understand. It was also hard for me to understand. Awesome commanded “see the doctor and get it fixed”. This started months of experiments. Thank goodness he is patient! 

Please see the next post for the management system I've devised ...:-)

Menopause - be part of the solution

As a woman approaches menopause she may be less able to cope with her home duties and workload. Brain fog, fatigue and anxiety can really reduce her ability to reach the standards she sets for herself and those set by others. As a consequence she may become unhappy, frustrated and irritable. Peri-menopause can become a nightmare for all involved when it could be at least tolerable and perhaps even leveraged for positive change.

I’ve wanted to share this case study with you for sometime. This really happened and I am sure in some years time there will be a husband complaining that his wife does not care for his needs etc….and he will have no idea why that happened.

Sally (not real name) complained of fatigue and difficulty coping. A traditional woman, she does all the housework, works full time at a demanding job and does all the bookkeeping for the family. Her two teenage children study full time and one holds down a job as well. Her husband has a demanding job.

I explained how menopause was contributing to her mental and physical condition and strongly suggested it was time to recruit the family to help.  

Consequently she lined the family up one weekend to spring clean a major room in their lovely new home. In our climate a thorough clean is required every year as dust can collect and mould grow on walls etc. Pest insects can also move in if cleaning does not occur.

The husband and kids stood at the door and she explained the steps in the project – move furniture, wash walls, dust furniture, clean floor, replace furniture.  If they all helped, 2 hours, on her own 1 day. The kids piped up – “we don’t wash walls”. The husband agreed. “We’ll come back when you have washed the walls”.

Sally had really taken a risk by asking for help. The emotional cost was high. She was left feeling totally abandoned, powerless and disrespected. She did the job herself including moving the furniture while the rest of the family watched TV.  

So now she knows her husband will not support her when she really needs him.  

She knows the only way to get help is nagging and nastiness like dumping clothes left around the house in the garage. Her family think she has turned into a bitch.

The husband needed to support his wife. He had a chance to be part of the conversation, to be part of the solution. He could have attended medical appointments and helped work out strategies to solve the challenges of menopause including change in libido.    

Now Sally needs to solve her own problems and is very resentful - does he really think sex for him will be on the top of her agenda when she faces decreasing libido and vaginal atrophy?

The lesson for husbands – be ready to step up and support and protect your wife during peri-menopause. You can come out of this the hero with an efficiently running household and a happy marriage or you could drive your wife into depression and nagging. I doubt it is possible to be really close after betraying your spouse in her time of need.      

Menopause – plan to make it easy

I’ve wanted to write this for a while, yet have lacked the creative energy and time to do so – which I feel is a common issue for peri-menopausal and to an extent post menopausal women.

We all slow down with age and can manage less. However, women may experience a much more acute onset of body limitations than do men.

Fatigue, brain fog, anxiety and lack of the emotional energy necessary to persuade others to help out are common issues faced by women during menopause. Things get a bit better after menopause but it’s likely one will never be the same again. For example, working over night to get a job done will be harder and recovery from loss of sleep will take days.  

Medical, nutrition and life style solutions are important and need to be considered at leisure rather than in emergency situations, but they will not magically put things back the way they were and anyway, one is slowing down due to age anyway. Strategic change is essential.

Obviously, one needs to plan for menopause and mobilise the family to get things done and maintain standard of living etc. Study of likely issues, risks and solutions thereof is obviously very important.

You need to be ready to identify the problems and start implementing no regrets solutions before peri menopause starts. A woman experiencing a bad menopause may not have the emotional or physical strength to insist on help, especially if a partner and children are righteously antagonistic and aggressively ensure that “cranky bitch” does not impinge on their good life.   

Ideally one should go into menopause with grown children, a low care garden and a well maintained home with labour saving devices.

Now is the time to hire a cleaner for the house to lift the burden of heavy and time consuming housework. A woman who has worked, raised children and supported her husband definitely DERSERVES support and time off at this time. It’s not a gift, it should be a right.

Ideally also the husband will have advanced well in his career and the house and other large expenses will already be paid off (e.g. car, house renovations, children’s education etc). Hence, the family could afford a reduction in working hours of the lady experiencing menopause – even a year or two off work during the worst of it would be nice depending on symptoms and career.

If time off work is not possible, then the family should chip in to shoulder part of the home-work load of their wife and mother. Usually women my age work and do most of the housework. This cannot continue. Rather than solve (or not solve) the problem through fighting and agrimony, the family should sit down together and decide who does what, when and how. The male leader of the household will then need to oversee the solution so that the lady does not suffer undue stress dealing with reluctant helpers and thus just withdraw to suffer alone.

The above woud have helped in my situation. I’m sure other people can adapt or improve on the advice.. The basic concepts are awareness, planning, support, generosity and goodwill.

Mid life and illness - Advice when considering an affair ....

A reader left the following comment on Why an affair might be justified ...and I present my humble advice here:

I am struggling with this very issue right now. I am a 46 year old male with many health issues but I want to have the sexual intimacy that my wife cant give me because of health issues on her part. We have been married for 10 years now, and I love her very much, I don't want to devorce her, and she loves me as well. We have been through so much together. But my heart is divided with someone else and I just don't know what to do.

I understand your situation – very upsetting and seemingly no way to resolve the situation win-win. Sadly, many of us have been there. I offer this rather long advice in the hope you will find something that helps.

With regard to your current situation – when in doubt don’t. Wait a while and see how things go. The high that comes from falling in love lasts about 2 years. You’ll see more clearly then.  I’d also suggest stepping aside from your own emotions and rationally evaluating life with the second lady vis a vis your current life and perhaps who you could attract as a free man. Perhaps a trusted friend would help you think it through?

Often the person you fall in love with first is not the one for your whole life, but someone who is there and is willing to have a relationship with a married person. Has the lady perhaps been trying to trap herself a good catch? Is she willing to sacrifice her own feelings and wait for you?    

Another word of caution – as told by a divorce lawyer – many people divorce and remarry to find themselves in the same situation.  The exciting girlfriend changes into the cranky wife who does not want much sex, but the man has lost his family and is much poorer.  Hence, the wise man may choose to work on his current relationship or recruit a secret girlfriend and continue to enjoy the comfort of his home and family as he gets older.  

That said, I think of my friend Clarissa who has stuck by her sick older husband over many years and has therefore foregone family, a comfortable life and sex. There will be no comfortable home or grandchildren. They loved each other once, but now hate each other and her chances are gone. She’s just a source of money and housekeeping and occasionally dodges flying crockery and accusations she ruined his life. Obviously she should have jumped ship when she was younger.    

Advice assuming no current outside attachment -

Becoming attached to a new sex partner is a natural result of having sex.  I’d suggest if your primary aim is to find sexual intimacy without leaving the marriage, you need to back off quickly when you meet someone that seems like a soul mate. Also, make it clear to any new sexual partners that you are not looking for an exclusive relationship. Many men run long term relationships parallel to their marriage, but they need to control their own emotions and avoid women who are looking to nab themselves a good catch.  They also need to control their exposure to sexually transmitted diseases – so really safe sex, no playing outside the relationship/s and tests for everyone before getting close and personal.

So due to this and also due to moral issues and issues of unintended entanglement, I’d suggest trying to work out the health and sexual issues first before seeking sex outside marriage. I’m convinced many people forgo sex and intimacy and even affection because of health issues that could be solved and because they are unwilling to think outside the square and innovate.  I think the biggest barriers to sexual happiness lie in our lack of knowledge and our assumptions and our unwillingness to really work on solving problems and building sexual happiness.

The first thing to know is that sex issues cannot be solved with ultimatums or overnight – you make take time to grow in knowledge and to work out how to interact.  Set some milestones for evaluation of progress. If a spouse is truly not interested, don’t make a nuisance of yourself by demanding sex. Perhaps you are meant to be brother and sister rather than a married couple? Don’t sentence each other to hell on earth as you struggle over unmet needs.    

At some stage recruit your wife to support and take part in the project – but expect her to need convincing and maybe take some time to come on board. This is normal, especially if one feels very run down. You will probably have to lead and if you want success you will need to make some changes in yourself – these changes I suggest will be useful whatever you do and whoever you are with.   

Start right now working towards being the best possible person you can be – see Athol Kay’s Married Man Sex Life blog for the married man action plan. Get fit, be well groomed, take care with washing and basically be a good, functional, positive, assertive happy person. Your wife will be more attracted and more likely to make an effort and less likely to be put off by things like unwashed private parts. If you do decide to find a new partner, you’ll find a better one.

Study up on sex, intimacy and relationships. There is heaps of stuff online and even checking out porn sites is useful (tho I soon bored of it). Keep an open mind and see what other people do, why people do things, what motivates them and so on. Your wife may be facing menopause soon, so research that as well. Knowledge is power!

Armed with your new knowledge and viewpoint, ID all the barriers to wonderful intimacy and think of solutions. It is obvious you need to improve your health as much as you can. You may need to solve some health issues with the help of your doctor, but don’t go for heroic solutions that involve massive surgery, drugs with nasty side effects etc. For example, if the lady’s libido has disappeared, ask the doctor to check out her hormones and possibly prescribe something. If a man cannot maintain an erection or indeed if he can and the lady cannot orgasm or accomodate a penis in her vagina, he might buy a smallish, well made vibrator from an adult shop or online.    

You may need to redefine what you mean by sex and reassess what you consider normal and acceptable.  I’m reliably informed people who are paralysed enjoy sexual encounters, but perhaps not the way the able-bodied can. You simply need to work with what you have. Within this context I’d seriously suggest massage as a way of connecting and building intimacy. Just cuddling and caressing each other is very pleasurable. Also, hand jobs and oral sex are great ways to release sexual tension and don't require a working vagina.

Sometimes I cannot have sex due to health issues and I am so happy Awesome is satisfied with lots of cuddles and oral sex only. I make sure I do my best for Awesome and he in turn accepts my efforts in good grace – in fact, he enjoys himself very much! If sex is off the menu altogether I’ll offer a shoulder or foot massage.  

I also need to point out sexual response of many women is responsive rather than spontaneous, so you need to start foreplay before they want to have sex. Hence, agreeing just to start with something enjoyable may create the opportunity to escalate. For me this is especially so if I am unwell.

I hope this has helped. Please feel free to ask for more advice or to let us know how you went. Good luck with resolving your issues.    

Menopause: leverage the drive for change

I’m growing into my shoes! Yes, truly, just like those Great Dane puppies with enormous paws, I’m growing into the promise of me and becoming something that is quite miraculous.

I no longer feel anxious at work – yes that took a long time. A symptom of peri menopause – the time in which the hormones run down and then stop – is anxiousness 

…and depression… The black dog walks only occasionally- on a lead and mostly under control ….

ANYWAY…

My brain works better – as Andreas said – you have the best academic credentials among us – WHY ARE YOU NOT SUCCESSFUL!!! Yea, yea, yea … menopause, menopause, menopause … and iron and B12 deficiencies…. and chronic lack of ambition and career management. All a thing of the past and that increment in cognitive capacity and tad more memory really, really helps!

I can dress up and look sophisticated and pretty – yes REALLY awesomely AWESOME!! I have the hair, the clothes, the shoes, the makeup and the confidence to do it!!! YES – Me, Me, Me!!

I can write a sex & relationship blog and have noted and esteemed bloggers praise and recommend my work. YES – I, Candice Wing, am a sex blogger with over 4000 hits to my site!!!     

..then there are the people I’ve met along the way who have freely shared their knowledge and who I am proud to call my friends. Truly EXCEPTIONAL PEOPLE who I would never  have met except for the internet.

…AND perhaps because of the above, I’ve finally cracked the code of attracting men - REALLY, really nice men, successful professional men, are attracted to me!

The lesson from all of this? Menopause is a time of great change – of rabid desperation and great adjustment - leverage your disatisfaction with the status quo to create positive change and build a miracle out of the ashes of your life as it once was. Out of chaos create something REALLY, REALLY GOOD! 

  

There is light behind each petal as the sunset shines through this lovely rose from Ellis's garden

Menopause & chemical free hair colour enhancement

Summary: Indian herbs are a wonderful way to hide silver highlights in dark hair. Silver hairs become copper coloured and hairs with faded dark pigment become darker and light up with reflected light! It’s WIN-WIN!!

One of the deteriorations in my looks that happened in the last couple of years is an overall reduction in the natural pigment of my hair coupled with loss of shine and bonus silver highlights and silver hairs that are dry and spiral into the air so as to be super prominent. NOT A GOOD LOOK!

Coincident with the pigment issue was a chorus of advice to CUT MY HAIR. I guess the advisors pictured a short elegant cut, wonderfully styled and beautifully coloured.  I’d of course make good use of a straightening iron to put in the right flatness and waves!   

Look around – you’ll see short, boring utilitarian cuts on 50+ ladies. That is all I can afford. Those lovely hairstyles are the result of paying lots of money very frequently to a stylist and taking the time to maintain the style at home. I’d rather be a greying lady with a bun than a “I’ve given up on looking sexy lady” with a short cut. NO. NO. NO.

Also, the chemicals involved in colouring hair would likely give me a nasty rash….

THERE IS ALWAYS A SOLUTION. This is what Awesome says. I started researching colouring hair naturally. There are heaps of methods, but I can only tell you of my <successful> journey so far!

I naturally have dark brown hair and wanted to at least get back to shiny dark brown hair.

I started with henna because it’s the easiest to buy. I purchased the best and freshest pure body art henna I could find (Premium quality indian henna powder from Ravi Imports in a silver foil 100 g pack) – at All India Foods Woolloongabba. Those guys are wholesalers, so I expected their goods to be freshest (and cheapest).

I mixed the henna with generic brand lemon juice to a soft paste – after about 1.5 days at room temperature I could see the orange dye seeping out and tried it on a washcloth and then on a sample of hair from my hair brush.

WARNING: Try any thing you use out first on a sample of hair rather than on all your hair!

WARNING: Commercial hair dyes combined with commercial herbal/chemical mixtures can cause nasty hair destroying reactions. Always check the ingredients and preferably use pure herbal mixtures, even if you have to mix them yourself.

Note: Don’t use henna for hair because it has less dye. Only use pure body art henna powder.

Note: You must see the orange dye coming out of the leaves. It will not colour the hair if it has not soaked out of the leaves.

I used 50 g henna plus 20 g amla for my long and somewhat thin hair. I cut it with 1/3 cup hair conditioner to get extra volume. The cost of the materials was therefore about a dollar.

NOTE: Henna stains material, so wear old clothes and use an old towel. Also, use gloves to make sure your hands don’t end up orange for days!

It was easier than I thought to apply the ground leaf “mud” to my hair. I hung my head with moistened hair over the bath. Henna is sticky so it clung to the hair. I pushed the mud in at the front, lifted the back third to access the middle and then covered the back bit from the back. Finally I covered the remaining long hair to the tips.  The sticky henna ensured I could arrange the hair on my head and easily encase it in a plastic shower cap and old towel. After that I did household tasks for 4 hours before washing it out in the shower using warm water only.

As indicated by my test, I ended up with orange highlights and red-brown hair which deepened in colour over the next few days. It looked heaps better than before and I noticed a lot of other ladies had achieved similar effects, probably with chemical dyes. Further dying intensified the colour and made my hair more red/orange. Now my task was to achieve a darker brown!

To darken my hair I’ve been doing the same as I did with the henna but using a combination of henna (red & conditioning), amla (conditioning), skikakai (cleansing) and brahmi (darkening). The henna is steeped separately with lemon juice and the others made up with warm water. They are all left to soak and extract the active ingredients for a couple of days, then mixed together with hair conditioner. I leave them on my hair for 30 minutes and do so twice a week instead of shampooing.

I seem to be achieving darker hair with more true red highlights! Nobody mentions cutting hair anymore!

WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF THIS BEFORE!! 

First dying trial with henna mixture only - after (left) and before (right) - flash used to take photograph, note it's really hard to get true colours so I settled for same lighting conditions

Menopause and breasts

Menopause can bring substantial and startling changes in the breasts – so let me tell you a little of the story of me and my breasts. I tell it in the hope you can leverage the knowledge for your good or that of someone close to you.

When they first appeared I found them inconvenient – they split my nicest dresses at the arms, bounced and were painful. Sheesssh! Bras were uncomfortable and chaffed to the point of torture – why do people think seams rubbing on one of the most delicate areas of the body is a good idea????

Note: Some people, both men and women, have very sensitive breasts and nipples and some do not. Forcing someone to wear a rough material (or indeed a silky, sensual material) can be torture or at least elicit inappropriate sensations.

ANYWAY – for roughly the next 30 years I did not think much about my breasts except to ensure modesty and to make sure they did not hurt. I appreciated them for being small and pert as I did not need to wear a bra and generally they kept out of the way. It did not really occur to me that breasts could be attractive to men. Yes REALLY!

Then came incipient menopause. First my breasts lost some density. I was shocked, but tried to think positively. They were still pert, I could still wear my tailored blouses and actually as they gained a little swing, they looked bigger! BONUS! By now I realised men were REALLY attracted to breasts!

Then as my hormones finally stopped, my breasts suddenly slumped and slipped down my chest – since the change was so sudden it was more shocking. I am sure my nipples are 5 cm lower than they were. I can no longer wear many of my tops without a bra. I was DEVASTATED! Cue real grieving!

Note: It is truly alarming and there is real grieving when a part of your body changes/deteriorates so much. It is natural to grieve and feel desperate and sad and willing to do anything to get back what you have lost. Rather than do something irreversible in desperation - like with anything – it’s best to wait a while and work through your feelings.

So now I have a choice – wear very camouflaging top garments to hide my sagging breasts or wear a bra! Goodness – the struggle continues to find bras that will not chaff and which are comfortable. Added to the usual complaints, my less dense breast tissue does not hold the bra down so well, so inevitably the band slips up over a little of my lower breast tissue and as well crushes some of the tissue on the side of my breasts. This can be UNBEARABLE! <sigh>

…time has passed ….

Even though I may be uncomfortable when I choose to wear a bra, I’ve developed a much more positive attitude to my breasts as they are now. They are still soft and nice to touch and they still look great with the right undergarments. They even seem to be a little larger … and … best of all, Awesome still likes them just as much. Really, I’ve got nothing to complain about!

Note: Lovers and partners are really important in maintaining one’s self esteem and self-perception of attractiveness. Be patient and listen and also know when to short-circuit obsessive concern with body changes that are natural and, well, not so important in the big picture. Above all, if you find us attractive, we’ll be more likely to believe we are attractive! 

Two orchids of suprising beauty!

In praise of friends with (social) benefits (again)

 The Love of My Life is not in town - apologies sent and accepted graciously – but still I am alone on a long weekend. Billy like the gallant soul-twin-knight he is came to my rescue to escort me to an iconic festival. He’s dating currently, so I was happy he had time for me!

Really – I am so thankful for Billy and need to mention again the importance of platonic friends.

So many older people are alone and particularly older men may have no-one to hug them and look after them. There is so much value in questioning and rejecting social norms that insist on alienation and social isolation.

Billy and I are maintaining a framework of social connection and support that should continue right into our golden years and which will not depend on being lucky enough to be in a happy marriage with a living partner (who also happens to be in town). 

Peace and happiness to all ... 

(Sexual) innovation and menopause

My 40s were perhaps my most innovative sexually – I read widely about sexual practices and was always the one with the new ideas. I thought endlessly about different ways of having sex.

ANYWAY, one of the things I missed post menopause was the loss of the drive to discover and accomplish new things sexually. I no longer felt as driven to read articles on sexual technique and if we did the same thing time after time, I was very happy.

BUT…the other day I realised I was reading widely on relationship development and was dreaming about closeness and connection.

NOW … post menopause - I am driven to explore and innovate in the areas of intimacy and sensuality. I'd just not recognised my focus had changed!

A beautiful and unexpected flower - ornamental cardamon!

Innovation = great sex!

It just struck me that great sex at any age and particularly as one grows older is about the ability to innovate to overcome problems and find mutually satisfying solutions.

During the fertile years birth control is a salient problem, especially as one feels more driven to have sex during ovulation.  There are many methods to identify the days when pregnancy is a risk. I just measured my temperature and checked for fertile mucus.

Fertile mucus is sticky like egg white.  Sperm can live in the mucus for many days, so the fertile time begins when the fertile mucus appears. The fertile mucus disappears just after the egg is produced and the egg only lasts a day, so declare the fertile period finished 3 days after the fertile mucus disappears. Thus, one needs to be careful of pregnancy for only approximately 8 days out of each cycle.     

With some innovation one can have great sex during ovulation without unnatural birth control.  The key point in ovulation sex is that the sperm must not find an unbroken path of fertile mucus (produced by the lady, the sticky egg white like stuff) leading to the egg. Thus, unprotected penetrative sex during the fertile time is not a good idea as even with the withdrawal method, some semen may seep out into the vagina.

This leaves manual and oral sex, using sex toys and other innovate tactics . I won’t go into all the details, sufficient to say be careful where the semen lands and ends up. Clean up immediately before cuddling to make sure accidents do not happen. I have no objections to condoms, so my preference was to use them during ovulation and again clean up carefully.

I think cessation of sex as people become older may also be related to lack of innovation and lack of willingness to solve problems. One can have great sex even without an erect penis or a working vagina! Crumbs, sensual pleasure is possible without any sex (or libido) at all!  

Note: Dr Dan would like to say at this point that issues with sex are often related to other health problems and can be early warnings of things like heart disease. So please see your doctor if you have pain, malfunction or lack of libido issues which impede your ability to have sex or enjoy sex. Even a lack of interest can be a hormone issue. Many of these health conditions can be remedied cheaply and easily.

Really, all this lack-of-sex-suffering is mostly an inability to think (and work) outside the box! 

Living in a world of couples ….

When I was younger I did not notice the world was filled with couples and that one’s social group tends to be determined in part by one’s relationship status.  

Within social occasions there seem to be niches tailored to the target group, so if everyone is partnered, it’s hard to fit in without a partner. For example, if you are going to a wedding – you need to bring someone of the opposite gender, except if you are gay and then the same gender is acceptable.

Another key issue for a lady with mostly male friends is that once the male friends get married, they tend to be wary of showing friendship to a lady, let alone a single lady!  

So how do you avoid looking like a lone predatory seabird sitting on a rock? How do you avoid unsettling every married woman (or man) in the room? FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS, THAT’S HOW! No, not that kind of benefit silly! I mean social benefits. You need a selection of socially acceptable people you can invite to partner you at weddings and other social events.

Awesome is very busy and often away on business, so I’ve cultivated a stable of male friends with social benefits. Billy may attend lectures and seminars if they are of interest to him. Ellis will attend social events and Nelson has specifically offered to attend weddings - after seeing my social plight at Ronaldo’s wedding.  FIXED!  

…..and as I write this I am reminded that the world of the older single is sooo different from the world of the married person. We should take this into account when arranging social functions so singles are not further socially isolated. 

Usually I don't photograph people - but on a recent trip to Moreton Bay I was struck by the beauty and meaning of the combination of people and landscape ... and as I look back at those photos I see the family groups, the pairs of friends and the lovers - and morose singles sitting alone ...  

No longer serving longer term goals, turning to new experiences …

Today I went to see a national league football match at the biggest stadium in Brisbane. It was AWESOME! This after a sports car club rally on a previous weekend! 

 ….

For most of my life I’ve planned and worked to make the family stronger. It takes at least 6 generations for a landed country family to do really well - six unbroken and quality links in a long chain. 

From a very young age I’ve endeavoured to lift my link above the income level at which families become richer rather than poorer - to provide a substantial foundation on which the next generation could build.

Then the disastrous marriage!  I’m by nature loyal and diligent – in this case losing rather than gaining attributes. It is too late to try again. There are no children. There is no future - only the now.

It’s taken many years of grieving to accept a necessary change in direction. Other branches of the family still have the chance to achieve greatness.  I’ve broken my particular side chain and there is nothing I can do except play the hand I have dealt myself as best I can. Hence, enjoy the now!

……

When Ronaldo and his wife offered two free passes to their corporate box, I leapt into action. Awesome is away and Billy is not into football so I bundled up old pal and colleague Ellis and off we went!

The photos don’t capture anything like the ambiance and excitement of the event. We took the free bus full of hopeful and happy fans to the venue – so much fun and excitement building!

My first glimpse of the playing field through the portal of a door to a corporate box was massively impressive! It looked so green and so close! 

The players were sooo fit and sooo graceful as they warmed up on the field. Aussie rules players are truly the best examples of Australian men! Most appeared over 6’4”! 

    

As we left the stadium, Ronaldo’s glamorous and very classy wife complimented my hair and new blouse! Can life in the “now” get any better?