Sunday, 27 November 2011

Enhancing the hand job!

The previous post covered the general categories of benefits that arise from intimacy – as a way of covering the possible benefits of enhanced hand jobs to both parties and ensuring shorter and more readable posts. Now I attempt to explain how a hand job may be enhanced for both parties.Readers - please feel free to provide your own tips!

I assume the vagina is not open for business and that there may be major issues such as infection, genital atrophy, other medical issues associated with menopause or recovery from birth induced damage.

I’d like to praise the hand job. In itself, it's ultimately safe sex! Of course papilloma virus (HPV) could be spread and while I’ve never heard of herpes (HSV) occurring on the hands, hands with virus on them touching other parts of the body could start an infection. Therefore, if disease is in anyway an issue, wear gloves, wash hands etc.      

The first way to enhance a hand job, besides a shower with soap for the man, is to adopt a positive attitude! Are there any negative beliefs either of you need to address?  I love playing with his private parts and channel his enjoyment, so I like giving hand jobs. Additionally, they are also a great finale to a sensual massage.

Of course, hand jobs occur within a context. Assuming we are not going for a very quick quickie, foreplay (and perhaps massage) can enhance a hand job and also provide a pay off for the hand job providing party.  

Foreplay – kissing, cuddling and caressing – is really enjoyable by itself. I’d suggest using it as a time for mutual appreciation and declarations of love and affection. Both parties benefit at least from sensuality, connection and affection and as a couple by reinforcing their bond.

A lady in menopause may have trouble coping with all her tasks, so to make time for foreplay a husband may need to see that the tasks are done for her or allocated to someone else. Did I tell you how one may have so little emotional energy that even the emotional labour of getting someone to do something may just be tooooo hard? To make time for foreplay when there is a new baby in the house, a husband might have to do housework and get the other kids to sleep. My father hired a nanny – but I think that was for other reasons!

Massage – I’d happily trade a hand job for a good massage followed by being cuddled to sleep. Also, the person massaging gets to touch, see and enjoy their partner’s body. Mutual massage or even one way massage can be very bonding and I could imagine a loving husband would enjoy providing it to his wife, especially if she is suffering from a heavy pregnancy or traumatic birth. Massage is also a VERY, VERY good way to provide relaxation to a lady stressed past her limits by menopause. She may then feel up to providing some comfort to her husband! 

Foreplay and/or massage could leave one or more parties with sexual tension that needs releasing. Therefore, the enhanced hand job … as one option! Here are my tips:
  •  Be present – and positive – treat a hand job as you would sex and create a climate of loving intimacy.
  • All men are different – with different sensitive spots and pressure requirements. Often the rim of the head is very sensitive, but one always needs a good up and down motion on the shaft. Watch how he does it for himself and then copy.  
  • Ask for lots of feedback and keep an eye on his body language to work out what he likes most. Perfecting your technique may take time – be patient and celebrate your achievements!
  • A hand job is often improved with the use of lubricant to mimic vaginal lubrication. Keep a bottle on hand and add extra as necessary. Coconut oil can be used and is long lasting. It also will not raise any suspicions should someone else find the bottle. 
  • Admiring his private parts and using the other hand to caress him, as well as various kisses to sensitive parts of his body, makes a hand job more intimate and loving. 
  •  I create fantasies and word pictures while we have sex – for a hand job I might relive an early shared romantic experience or describe some mutually connecting and arousing scenario. 
  •  If the lady is fatigued, has weak hands or the man requires a lot of pressure, he might complete the hand job himself while she provides kisses, caresses and encouragement. Often men like their nipples or chest stimulated, so she could do that while he helps himself out and then both can enjoy a post release cuddle.
 Enhanced hand jobs for the man may be enjoyable for both, but a lady rarely orgasms giving a hand job to a man and quid pro quo may be necessary. I’ll address that in another post!
Brisbane River from Botanic Gardens towards Kangaroo Point. People live on these boats - sadly many of the more rustic ones disappeared after the flood in early 2011. 

Saturday, 26 November 2011

How to enjoy not having intercourse!

I appear to be getting huge number of click throughs from Married Man Sex Life due to a comment I made about there being mutually satisfying ways to not have intercourse. This was in a reply to a lady that wanted to know how to satisfy herself and her husband pre and post partum without recourse to either intercourse (medically advised against) or oral sex (makes her feel sick).  

Note: Google “post partum sex” and “post partum orgasm” for more information on sex after birth.

 Note: Ask the doctor for details of what you can and cannot do post partum. Intercourse may be advised against due to the need for the vagina to heal/ get back to normal and to avoid the risk of infection. Orgasm can lead to uterine contractions and thus increased bleeding – check out with the doctor if this is a concern for you. 

Also, Eric noted interest from mid life couples. So, I’m going to write some articles on different forms of sex from the point of view of a post menopause woman – and hope that pre and post partum couples can draw some value.

Firstly, let’s get on the same page re the range of enjoyable benefits arising from intimacy:
  • Connection and affection – both men and women crave this and it’s not necessarily provided by pump and dump or indeed suck and dump. This need seems to grow with age - certainly I've noticed my male friends mentioning their critical need for affection and connection much more lately.
  • Relaxation and sleep - as you get older, relaxation gets to be a more important component of intimacy, but people with new babies at home could equally need a bit of relaxation.
  • Sensual enjoyment – sensuality is often underrated. If one has sensitive skin, loving touch can be very wonderful and even lead to orgasm. Women and men often have sensitive chests, necks etc.  I expect that even older couples with years of marriage behind them may not have discovered the full benefits of sensual touch.    
  •  Relief of sexual tension - this can be particularly important for men, but also women and even some women post partum require release. On the other hand, orgasm may become less (or more) important to women post menopause. However, if one party provides relief to the other continually without reward and even by feeling nauseas, pair bonding may suffer. Therefore, the challenge is to devise activities that are mutually beneficial.  
 The above points are self-evident once you have “made the journey”. However, it took me some time and experience to really understand the depth of the benefits. I can remember arguing with my mentor about the necessity of orgasm! I’ve come to appreciate the first three benefits so much more as I have matured and had the opportunity to explore intimacy. Therefore, my experience points to going ahead in faith and experimenting in order to leverage the most from intimacy. 

This is a view of the Brisbane River taken from the Botanic Gardens in the late afternoon. Often we walk here as we unwind from the day.

Saturday, 19 November 2011

When do men give up on sex?

I aim to report and reflect the personal experiences of people to gain depth to the wonderful work done by scientists and others who study society, medicine etc. After all, averages tell us nothing about individuals and the details of their experience. So when I find out something interesting I try to remember to report it here.

The other day I was talking to Sage (an older man who’s lived a full life) and he disputed the statistics I was repeating from John the Marriage Coach’s blog, namely 1/3 men stop having sex at 65 and 1/3 at 75.

Sage asserted that most men give up sex at 40 and just did not report correctly in surveys. He also said most men have big mouths and boast to their mates in the pub (bar), but may not be living what they say. After a while, they may try again and find they cannot, i.e. “not used it - lost it”.   

Sage suggests that pure boredom with doing the same thing for 20 years may contribute to (married) men giving up sex. He suggests consciously working at keeping sex interesting by trying new things.

I am still not sure what happened with the ex but – another pen pal – Thomas – who is also older and wiser – suggested that a man loses confidence if his equipment does not work and therefore does not want to try again.

One of the longer term aims of my blog is to address how to keep sex going and great through mid life and later years – so perhaps we can work out how to avoid losing one of the most enjoyable activities in our lives.  
Grape vine spring 2011 - I really love new leaves and those graceful tendrils!

Tuesday, 15 November 2011

Why oral sex?

I've been engaged in an interesting conversation with a conservative lady on Athol's blog. I do hope I am sufficiently respectful of her views and values in this post - if not sincere apologies!

"Candice, quite apart from the health issues regarding hygiene and bacteria, which I accept could be controlled, the idea that any woman would willing allow a man to do this is beyond my understanding. What is it suposed to do for her? What does hse achieve by placing herself in such a degraded, submissive position, allowing a man to use her as a vessel for lust? She receives no sexual gratification by doing so, so the act is totally one-sided, quite apart from the negative physical and mental hygiene issues that arise from it."

Lots of people don’t do it. I can understand that and respect their views. If Awesome did not want to let me do it, I’d respect his decision.  I also need to say upfront that how one feels about something is very closely connected to how one frames it. Both Awesome and I are very respectful of each other and no one feels degraded in our relationship. 

I must admit I was not into oral sex when I was younger and then really could not help myself with the great love of my life! He would never have asked because he thought it selfish of a man to request oral sex. So I guess the first reason for oral sex was that I really loved him and feel a very strong connection. I then had to convince him I liked doing it befiore he settled into enjoying himself.

Also, men really, really like oral sex! Ask him to suck your finger – I am guessing the sensation of oral sex for a man is something like that in combination with g-spot stimulation.  I’d do it just to make him feel good! I can feel his excitement and pleasure and that makes me feel good as well. Basically it’s a bonding experience like any other form of sex.

Another way that a woman benefits from oral sex is that it’s a great way to “fluff up” a man. Fluffing up becomes more important as they get older and need some stimulation to gain an erection – but even young men may need something to get their engine running. In addition, if the erection is not sufficiently strong for normal sex or the vagina not available for use, one can bring a man to orgasm through oral sex.

Note that as you get older and your body changes, you need to innovate to keep sex happening, so it’s not good to limit your array of tactics! On the other hand, if husband and wife both are a bit over it all, a good cuddle and a cup of tea may be sufficient to keep everyone happy!

I’m not saying everyone should do it and I’m certainly saying that everyone should be clean and not spread disease, but I am saying being open-minded might be a good idea. Every new idea I’ve had has been welcomed by my dear conservative man - even some I've tried to hide!

BTW – there are blogs that analyse the theology on the issue of sex between married partners. These people know their Bible better than me, so I don’t go there in this blog. Similarly, I don't worry too much about defining depravity.

BTW – I think some Americans may be more conservative than us here in Australia.
An interesting cityscape - George Street, Brisbane

Saturday, 12 November 2011

My Journey __: the light at the end of a long dark tunnel

I've tried hard to be positive and leverage the good, but menopause has been a mind, body and soul destroying (and career destroying) horror for me. I’ve heard and observed other similar or worse experiences and seen lives changed forever.

Some people tell me of years and even more than a decade of discomfort and suffering and of radical changes in personality leading to marriage breakdown. On the other hand, one lady told me her friend, an older woman, had woken up one morning and the cloud had lifted and she felt normal again – no longer tired and low energy. I lived for that day!

Around September I emerged from a long dark tunnel into the sunlight again. The process was gradual over a few weeks (I think).

Post the MENOPAUSE CRISIS I was able to access some minimal medical help to solve immediate and pressing issues and also rule out anything sinister. Awesome was supportive even though a little nonplussed. He’s good at crisis management – he’s seen heaps worse. I really clung onto his advice about having faith in there always being a solution.

Solving the genital atrophy issue (yes I will blog on that – results were spectacular) and the face and neck skin deterioration issue was a great relief. After liberally using the oestrogen cream for about a week I started to feel more clear-headed and calmer. Obviously I was not in a lather of worry anymore, but I think it was more than that - I could see the light at the end of the tunnel.

The lessons:
  • There is ALWAYS a solution!
  • There is an end to menopause!
  • The right sort of support is really important.
  • Relationships can start in, and survive menopause.
  • Menopause is so horrid that its end can seem like heaven on wheels! 
After the rain golden flowers sparkle in the sun (photo Brisbane Spring 2007)

Sunday, 6 November 2011

Please stay and provide your insights!

I notice some people are clicking over from MMSL - welcome!  We may share an interest in developing satisfying and happy relationships mid life and after - please keep revisiting and provide your insights.

As I indicated on MMSL - mid life is a deal changer and one can only understand the nuances of a situation one has experienced. I am just starting this journey by exploring the impacts and consequences of menopause and due to menopause induced issues, have been a bit slow in developing and posting my ideas for your comment.

I believe there is insufficient understanding of menopause and how to live through it and leverage it rather than being taken down by it. That is why I am sharing my story and the experiences of others. I'd appreciate comments and ideas for posts, because I am only one person and there are millions of experiences and perceptions out there...

A light beyond the darkness ... sunset Brisbane 2011

Friday, 4 November 2011

Menopause crisis

I’ve not been blogging seriously for a while due to difficulty in approaching this post. I am somewhat known for being positive, even about menopause – hubris perhaps?

Not so long ago I had a major menopause crisis. It was preceded by distressing <ahem> private symptoms - after a lot of angst - diagnosis of genital atrophy.  I will blog on that one day – there are many lessons to learn. Also, a fairly sudden deterioration in the skin of my face and neck – it looked thinner and much less elastic. I was suddenly looking OLD!       

All this led to a review of other creeping changes – the reduction in libido, fatigue, compromised memory and cognition, lack of motivation for things that once motivated and an intolerance for certain people. Once I could move mountains with my intellect, now I could only make slow progress on a molehill. I was no longer the person I used to be and that was very, very SCARY!

Not only that, I could see the problems I faced in getting my life back together and could even form some foggy goals, but lacked the motivation and emotional, mental and physical capability to do so. Obviously I had failed to liquidate my equities before the drop in value, but also I needed to do a heap of other mundane and more challenging things to achieve a reasonable life.      

I desperately needed support – usually I can support myself – but I rang Billy almost in tears. Unfortunately the vagaries of the stock market were at that very time losing him a very great deal of money. Anyway, he thought I was tired and emotional and suggested a good sleep. I went to bed in tears desperate for help and facing huge challenges, alone, with diminished resources. I realised men - even soul twins - often don’t understand the profoundly disturbing impact of menopause, but that is also another blog article!

After a couple of days Awesome returned from a business trip. We sat in his lovely, warm comfortable car in a dark cold street in West End and I told him of my fears – “It’s not fair … perverse outcomes .... my world is ending … I’m a different person physically, mentally and emotionally …I need to access medicine and I don’t know how to get it without distressing and invasive tests …”.   He thought for a bit and then said “you have a pleasant personality, hang on to that…and have faith that there is a solution…and faith in your subconscious.” Then he bought me a nice dinner with hot chocolate in a charming bohemian restaurant filled with students, warmth and hope.
Sunsets are nice – but are followed by darkness!