Monday, 30 May 2011

Trust and respect

I’ve seen advice on an American blog to use covert surveillance against a female spouse suspected of “cheating”.  Unacceptable behaviour in this advice includes a high level of contact with a male outside the marriage.    

I guess its "horses for courses" ...and obviously works for some people ...and its desperate times if marriage breakup looms...but ....honestly … if ANYONE put a keylogger on my PC or snooped my emails they'd be TOAST. Not only because they would break the commercial confidence of my clients and also breach the privacy of people that confide in me, but because I would see their actions as UNACCEPTABLE.

As for the argument that a “good” wife should not have close male friends (I have checked, the blogger was not from a conservative culture such as Arab or Pakistani) … we live in the 21st century…our roles and social connections should not be determined by sex/gender...and a woman or spouse is not a possession, not a prize beast without agency to be jealously defended.  

I've platonic male friends that have been with me for over 30 years - much longer than most marriages. I no longer isolate myself and weaken my position by isolating myself from the support and counsel of my good mates. In a community of migrants and refugees, we are co-travelers and pseudo-siblings. Nobody messes with my relationships with my friends!     

There are at times very good reasons to spend a lot of attention on a friend of the opposite gender - including, but not limited to mental illness, relationship breakdown, physical illness, business disaster and coaching and support to start a new life. In many of these cases, the privacy of the person must be respected. I’ve been the helper and the helped.

I'd expect my partner to ask if concerned and accept that I may have to keep the confidence of a friend or client. If that trust did not exist, I’d say the relationship had broken down.       

My hints for establishing an open and trusting relationship where you can discuss any topic and ask politely if you have any concerns include:
·        Choosing a trustworthy person.
·        Clearly getting agreement on transparency and honesty.
·        Respecting your partner’s privacy and expecting the same in return.
·        Making sure your partner feels comfortable to confide in you and vice versa
Pink Iceberg rose

Sunday, 29 May 2011

Escorts and paid dating

There is a new dating service, centred as far as I can see in the US.  It’s called “What’s your price” and claims to overcome some key frustrations men have with the most popular dating sites, namely, contacts are not attractive, few dates result from many contacts and long cyber courtships.   

“Attractive” members sign up and are contacted by “generous” members who pay them for the first date. There are several relationship options but the associated blogs mention that most ladies (aka “attractive” members) are looking for a “sugar daddy”, i.e. someone to help them out financially in exchange for companionship.   

I guess it had to happen, especially since some of the major venues for escorts to advertise, such as Craig’s List, have shut down their classified service for the escort service category.  Perhaps this service is trying to fill that gap, but avoid getting censored by US pressure groups for advertising escort services.   

Anyway…I have a keen interest in dating services as a business category so I signed up.  As of today, there are few men listed as being located in Brisbane.  Some of them seemed interesting – they ranged in age from 20s to 60s (I think). Four checked out my profile and none contacted – which was not surprising since most of the other “attractive” members look like models and have provocative glamorous photos.  I’ll be taking down my profile without contacting anyone - I'm not in the market and don't want to waste anyone's time and money..

Actually, I can see the utility of this service to ladies in reduced circumstances who want to develop both professionally and personally. Let me frame the sugar daddy/sugar baby relationship option as patron and protégé.  The successful man provides mentoring and invests in the development of the protégé. The protégé provides companionship and personal warmth to the patron.

What other options does the ambitious lady in reduced circumstances have to develop a close friendship or mentoring relationship with a successful man, someone right out of her league?  Not many! 

Well if she is attractive she might have an affair with a very successful married man – this is easily arranged via any of the mainstream dating services. There are many married men looking for an exciting affair. The expectation will be that they meet for sex – if she is lucky they might have coffee or dinner or meet in a hotel room. Most men will be generous with sex, but try to minimize financial cost. She may find someone that will mentor her.

I believe recognizing the option of patron / protégé upfront allows for both parties to properly negotiate their relationship for mutual benefit and avoid inconveniencing scores of other people while searching for the right person and arrangement.

Please note, the site is positioned as providing the opportunity for generous members to easily date attractive members because the attractive members are compensated. It is not positioned as I've imagined the patron/ protégé relationship.  

If you use the site, please note there is a cost, it’s not free like Oasis and you have to pay for privacy.  Also, read the associated blogs before you spend money because these elucidate the intentions of the clients of the site and those of management.

I'd suggest being careful with using this site - some people may think tbey are meeting and escort when they are not (and get upset), others may serial date for the money. Also, just giving people money does not necessarily help them get their lives in order - sometimes a crisis has to happen for a dysfunctional situation to be corrected.   

If you do have some experience with it, let me know your impressions!    
Bougainvillea - another splash of colour in Brisbane 

Saturday, 21 May 2011

In support of natural inner labia!

One thing that really gets up my nose is the fashion fad for reducing inner labia in size!  While trying to show respect for the choice of individuals, I’m really upset at the processes in society that are driving uptake of this cosmetic surgery option.

For commentary please see Em & Lo “do men care what labia look like” and Joanna Cake “Vaginal cosmetic surgery”.  There appear to be two basic reasons for women to seek reduction of their inner labia – a desire to look like pornography actresses and discomfort during sport and other activities. I am stating the obvious I believe when I say – pornography is make believe and should not be the benchmark for normality!

I believe that reducing inner labia may reduce feeling during sex – they certainly seem sensitive.  Also, cutting something off one’s body can have side effects. As to the discomfort angle, I would argue its better to change the environment than to change a perfectly normal human!

I find my pubic hair tends to cushion and protect my labia, so I suggest retention of pubic hair for comfort. Perhaps looser clothing including underwear with a greater width of material in the crotch area would reduce rubbing and something like a fluffy sanitary napkin could be invented to provide cushioning and protection during sport etc. Properly fitted stretch jeans without heavy seams would also be kinder on sensitive labia. I’d hope someone has invented a bicycle seat that does not rub or crush the vulva (mine was terrible - and the replacement is not perfect)!

One also has to consider the inner labia tend to become smaller after menopause….
Lilypilly new growth - Southbank Parklands - May 2011

Saturday, 14 May 2011

Could premature ejaculation be turned into multi-orgasmic?

Given that men can train themselves to orgasm without ejaculation and therefore retain their erection to keep on keeping on, could not those with hair triggers who normally orgasm very early in the love making process be turned into multi-orgasming men? I see parallels to multi-orgasmic women. This would turn a seeming problem into an advantage!  Is this possible?  Anyone with experience? I'm also curious as to whether men who orgasm quickly are more sensitive or just less able to self-control.  

Body image (s) ... the importance of perception.

I don’t find my body that attractive and I know that many women are also over critical of their own looks to the extent that they don’t like their husbands looking at them naked. On the other hand, the men in their life think they are gorgeous. My man is always making very sincere compliments and even enjoys taking photographs! So, I try to see things from his perspective ....

I hypothesize that because I am strongly heterosexual, I cannot see the sexually attractive aspect of my own body because my body is female whereas I can really appreciate male bodies with all their variety. Lacking the straight male perspective, I naturally use the benchmarks of models and pornography actresses to judge that I am unattractive.

Likewise, perhaps men have little idea how physically attractive they really are in the eyes of the women that lust after them!  Figleaf refers to the question of body hair on men and observes that men tend to grow more body hair as they get older. I think it’s the same thing – the media and actors tend to promote hairlessness and certainly younger models are less hairy and even remove body hair.  On the other hand, many women (including me!) really love body hair on men.

Which reminds me – a certain man has a chest full of nice hair that I am sure needs another stroke!   

Tuesday, 10 May 2011

Yes we do have winter!

Icy cold - time for opaque tights and winter clothing! 

It’s very unusually cold right now (11 June). The temperate will probably not rise higher than 15 degrees Celsius today! It’s overcast and dismal. The famous Brisbane bright winter sunshine is not to be found. Usually all one needs to do is fine a wind-sheltered nook and all is warm and cozy!    

The problem is that my house, like many houses in Brisbane is built for warmer weather. There is no insulation, no central heating and no fire place. I might just close my office door and depend on the waste heat from the computer to stay warm.

I’m just about to go ratting through old boxes of clothing looking for thick, woolly clothes that are normally not worn because it’s normally just not that cold!  

Queen Street Mall May 2011

Saturday, 7 May 2011

Multiple orgasms for men!

I've read several articles on multiple orgasms for men. They offer advice on various techniques - this one by Alan Oberman seems to be the easiest.  I'll add others as I find them.

I guess it would be an interesting endeavour to try out the technique and certainly I'd like to try a technique that involved me doing nice things for him.  However, with so many other things to try and sex being so much more than orgasms, I might put a low priority on this little adventure.

I wonder if men want to have multiple orgasms? I might ask around!
Sydney harbour bridge - love fireworks in Sydney

Does age matter?

As people in mid life seek a new partner, a salient selection criterion is age.  It’s also easily tested, so people will often screen on age upfront. Of course, age difference is only one matter to take into consideration and people differ, so decisions need to be made on an individual (or couple) basis.

When I was younger, the only consideration was that one partner would die early.  Usually the gentleman would be older than the lady and she feared being left alone in her old age. However, there are other considerations of which people may not be aware.

One matter that has high impact on many ladies I know is retirement age. Their husband retires (or usually is forced to retire) at 65 leaving them still of working age. They may have to work for up to 20 years at relatively low-paid jobs to support their families. If they work their husband will not receive welfare payments, if they do not work they will not have enough money to survive. Of course they will not have enough money left over to save for retirement, so they will retire to live in poverty and care for an elderly husband.

Considering the above, I would advise all couples to consider a retirement plan and save so that one does not have to work to support the other and they can enjoy a quality retirement together.

Sex and libido is of course a key consideration in marriage. Most gentlemen I met online declared their equipment worked and that they had a healthy libido. It seemed like etiquette to exchange this key information. Accordingly, I asked around to gain some wisdom on sexuality, age and choosing a partner. 

It appears men are generally at their peak in their 40s and 50s. They are still sexually active, can have sex for longer, are self aware and have generally learned some good stuff. Therefore, men in this age group can make great partners, even for a younger woman. Women seem to peak in their 40s.  Therefore, a 10 year age difference could work well. A 50 year old man could keep up with the sexual needs of a 40 year old woman and they both may slow down a little together when they reach 60 and 50 respectively. 

A 25 year age difference may work for a while, but such marriages could derail when the man is about 75/80 years old and would prefer a companion while the lady may still desire rampant and exciting sex. Of course, our previous prime minister Bob Hawke seems to be an exception at around 80 and his second wife seems very happy!  This indicates genetic inheritance, general health and attitude are key influences on sexual performance in older age. Hence, I suggest partners with a large age difference consider maintaining their health and sexual function as much as they can.