I’ve met quite a few people online looking for affairs. Not everyone is looking for a dopamine high. Many are very reasoned and strategic in their approach. A caring and intimate relationship is essential to happiness, so I am not surprised so many people are looking.
I don’t judge what people are doing – it’s their business, not mine, but I am interested in relationships and sex, so I take an interest. I thank everyone that has frankly explained their life to me or answered my questions.
· Married but bored or neglected: I find many men online looking for exciting affairs. They are married but their wife limits intimacy even though they still have sex. They feel unloved and even lose some confidence in themselves. I usually suggest they talk to their partner and now suggest they read Married Man Sex Life.
· Great spouse, but no sex: Many really nice people make good friends and life time partners, they just don’t want sex or intimacy! Perhaps they are asexual, perhaps their libido has died, perhaps they are just not attracted to the spouse and married for children and to create a comfortable home! I think it is wrong to force someone to do something they don’t want to – be it to have sex or live without sex. However, divorce might be off the table due to religious or child-care imperatives. Difficult situation since someone is bound to be unhappy. Also, see “cultural option”.
· Spouse says look elsewhere: Surprisingly there are quite a few cases where a spouse tells the other partner to find a lover as they are unwilling to provide affection and intimacy. The good thing here is that the dialogue is open and frank. Depending on the situation, it may be appropriate to rigorously pursue the reasons for the spouse to say this and address any issues. I’ve known at least one couple who have worked through their issues and now have a much stronger marriage and better intimacy. Issues included stress and fatigue from demanding work and addressing the reluctant spouse’s needs.
· Spouse is an invalid: This happens often and is very sad – a loyal and devoted spouse remains with their loved one, but the illness means the relationship turns into carer and dependent. The caring spouse looks to find someone for support and intimacy. I can only guess that the invalid spouse is totally unable to think of intimacy due to the illness, because there are things one can do to show one’s love, even if one is immobile.
· Strategic retreat: Many people decide when they will leave their marriage ahead of time - perhaps when children have finished school. They then rationalise it will be a great idea to recruit the new spouse and get to know them beforehand so a seamless transfer is possible. OK – I can see the efficiencies so gained here! Also, one needs to date a little before settling down for personal development, so this could fulfil that need. However, execution may be difficult in that potential new spouses will be wary of married but looking people. Certainly many men/women do not date married ladies/gentlemen on principle. Also, one changes a great deal due to the experience of separation, divorce and subsequent dating, so the person found at the start may not suit at the end.
· Waiting for the right time to jump: Sometimes the marriage is over, the person looking for an affair has emotionally detached from the spouse and separation is merely a formality that will happen in good time. See “strategic retreat” for implications.
· Cultural option: In some subcultures and even cultures successful men routinely recruit second wives. The first wife keeps her status, income etc and does not have to provide sex, while the husband’s needs are met and the asset base is protected for the good of all including the children who will inherit.
What are the implications of the above?
I believe it’s wrong to judge people or become over excited over the issue of affairs. I leave judgement to God who is an expert in such matters and can see the hearts of humans. Affairs may destroy a marriage, but equally they may help someone prolong the appearance and benefits of marriage for vulnerable parties such as children or invalid spouses. Actually, I used to pray for a miracle, namely that my ex would have an affair and the lady would take him off my hands without all the crying and gnashing of teeth that usually accompany divorce....
|There's always a different perspective ... New Farm Park 2008|