Monday, 30 May 2011

Trust and respect

I’ve seen advice on an American blog to use covert surveillance against a female spouse suspected of “cheating”.  Unacceptable behaviour in this advice includes a high level of contact with a male outside the marriage.    

I guess its "horses for courses" ...and obviously works for some people ...and its desperate times if marriage breakup looms...but ....honestly … if ANYONE put a keylogger on my PC or snooped my emails they'd be TOAST. Not only because they would break the commercial confidence of my clients and also breach the privacy of people that confide in me, but because I would see their actions as UNACCEPTABLE.

As for the argument that a “good” wife should not have close male friends (I have checked, the blogger was not from a conservative culture such as Arab or Pakistani) … we live in the 21st century…our roles and social connections should not be determined by sex/gender...and a woman or spouse is not a possession, not a prize beast without agency to be jealously defended.  

I've platonic male friends that have been with me for over 30 years - much longer than most marriages. I no longer isolate myself and weaken my position by isolating myself from the support and counsel of my good mates. In a community of migrants and refugees, we are co-travelers and pseudo-siblings. Nobody messes with my relationships with my friends!     

There are at times very good reasons to spend a lot of attention on a friend of the opposite gender - including, but not limited to mental illness, relationship breakdown, physical illness, business disaster and coaching and support to start a new life. In many of these cases, the privacy of the person must be respected. I’ve been the helper and the helped.

I'd expect my partner to ask if concerned and accept that I may have to keep the confidence of a friend or client. If that trust did not exist, I’d say the relationship had broken down.       

My hints for establishing an open and trusting relationship where you can discuss any topic and ask politely if you have any concerns include:
·        Choosing a trustworthy person.
·        Clearly getting agreement on transparency and honesty.
·        Respecting your partner’s privacy and expecting the same in return.
·        Making sure your partner feels comfortable to confide in you and vice versa
Pink Iceberg rose

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