Saturday, 19 November 2011

When do men give up on sex?

I aim to report and reflect the personal experiences of people to gain depth to the wonderful work done by scientists and others who study society, medicine etc. After all, averages tell us nothing about individuals and the details of their experience. So when I find out something interesting I try to remember to report it here.

The other day I was talking to Sage (an older man who’s lived a full life) and he disputed the statistics I was repeating from John the Marriage Coach’s blog, namely 1/3 men stop having sex at 65 and 1/3 at 75.

Sage asserted that most men give up sex at 40 and just did not report correctly in surveys. He also said most men have big mouths and boast to their mates in the pub (bar), but may not be living what they say. After a while, they may try again and find they cannot, i.e. “not used it - lost it”.   

Sage suggests that pure boredom with doing the same thing for 20 years may contribute to (married) men giving up sex. He suggests consciously working at keeping sex interesting by trying new things.

I am still not sure what happened with the ex but – another pen pal – Thomas – who is also older and wiser – suggested that a man loses confidence if his equipment does not work and therefore does not want to try again.

One of the longer term aims of my blog is to address how to keep sex going and great through mid life and later years – so perhaps we can work out how to avoid losing one of the most enjoyable activities in our lives.  
Grape vine spring 2011 - I really love new leaves and those graceful tendrils!


  1. Men give up on sex ten minutes after their heart stops beating, anyone who tells you differently is lying to a survey. The ability may go but the desire is their else those little blue pills wouldn't be such a lucrative business.

  2. Good point!

    I think the survey and Sage's observation was about actual not doing it rather than wanting to - I guess the boasting to mates could be framed as wanting too.

    Thanks for your comment!

    :-) C

  3. This is a complicated topic. I'm sure a lot of research needs to be done on this. My own, admittedly unexpert, opinion is that there is a lot of diversity in the sexual development that men (and women) experience as they age. I'm 58 years old and I'm as keenly interested in sex as I've ever been in my life. And there are many other men who stay sexually active well into their elderly years. However I also know that some men (and some women), for unknown reasons, seem to lose all interest in sex at some point in their lives. Whether this is psychological or physical or some combination of the two is unclear. I know that, for example, being stuck in a long term relationship in which there is a lot of conflict, or a general lack of affection and respect, can certainly serve to shut down a person's libido. So that can certainly be a factor.

  4. I can only speak for myself. I am 56, my wife 55 and we got married at 16 and 17 because she was pregnant. 39 years and I am FAR from bored with sex with my wife. We are atypical for our age (we both look like we are in our early 40's). She is still having periods and I have no erection problems at all. I can still get one from seeing her in a pair of tight short shorts. I am sure it helps that we keep in shape and watch our diet. She is 5'2" and 110 lbs, am 5'8" and 145 lbs. We are having the best sex of our lives. The only thing that I notice is that it takes me longer to recover. On our anniversary trip last summer I had a hard time keeping up with her! I plan on making love to my hot wife for many years to come!

  5. ERIC - there is certainly a heap of diversity out there and with such a private subject, its hard to find out what is really going on. I agree with you that if there is no prospect of fulfilment, loss of libido might be welcome. Also, I think hormone decline can reduce libdo and thus motivation to actually take action to regain desire and function.

    CHIP - thanks for sharing your very encouraging story. I feel happy when I hear of people being so happy together. I'm seeing a strong theme in your case of good health contributing to maintaining sexual function.

    Thanks again guys! :-) C

  6. Thomas read my post and wants to strongly disagree with the notion of men giving up sex at 40 - he suggested more likely 80, but that was only a tentative lower limit! He's no where near 80 yet, so cannot tell for certain.

    Also, when I explained mature ladies may find difficulties in finding a boyfriend for fun times, he asked me to tell the single lady readers of my blog he is available and willing to host them for a nice holiday in his really lovely alpine town. So, ladies, if you want to correspond with a very friendly, handsome, nice, active and genuinely single retired Australian gentleman, please let me know!

  7. Men at my age, at least most of us, are still very interested even though our significant others only comply nominally to placate us. Very insulting, very boring and about as satisfying as taking matter into your own hands.

    1. I know how you feel except my ex did not want to even do it to placate - I would have taken anything I was so desperate to have a family!!

      I'd agree on how horrible it makes one feel to be rejected. In addition, I feel badly since I was obviously trying to force him to do something he did not want to do.

      I guess some people just don't want to for their own reasons - it's just so a pity that this means someone else has to do without all the good stuff!

      Now, I find my older partner very willing to participate and a wonderful lover. He says he's less into sex than when he was younger, but I'm not complaining at all!

      Please keep reading and commenting!

      Thanks C :-)

  8. He, i am 69, need a little encouragement to get JT up, but once up, he is fine. I honestly think i have the best sex there is, there is nothing out of bounds. From getting in to bed, to getting out, is a minimum of 2 hours. This is not bull.
    I have not talked about this to anyone, until now, because people would say i was exaggerating, lying, etc. I am not. I feel i am one of the luckiest guys alive.

  9. Thank you for your comment. Yes, too many people don't realise that older men can be sexually functional. We allocate 2 hours as well! :-) Men can even enjoy sex and orgasm without a strong and enduring erection. :-) Thanks Candice

  10. 41 here. Wife doesn't like to have sex in general, she basically always did it to please me, now she completely lost interest. I don't like to have sex with her anymore either, nobody would like to have sex with someone who barely moves and clearly doesn't like.

    Little to no chances of having sex outside of marriage, not because of moral values, etc. etc., but because - hell - I'm not that sexy. Probably I'm totally ugly given the success rate, lol :D or simply not that great in dealing with women. Besides I don't have a great social life, so not a great base to start with.

    Paid for sex a couple of times - it's simply not worth, experience is awful (besides the moral implications).

    So - yeah - basically giving up sex. With other people involved, at least ;)